Boris Johnson has announced that if he is becomes leader of the Conservative Party, his first act will be to solve the North South Divide.
"This is a terrible situation," said Johnson. "People in the North rarely get a chance to wash, work down pits and own whippets. It's intolerable! Whilst in the South, we have power showers, lawnmowers and labradoodles."
The solution is a slight reconfiguration of the counties.
"I plan on getting rid of Yorkshire, Lancashire, Cumbria, West Midlands, Cheshire, and the others," said Johnson. "And we'll expand Kent, Sussex, Essex, the Home Counties and the like. Cornwall can stay the same."
By moving the South in a northern direction, and trebling the size of London to encompass Ipswich, Cambridge, Oxford , Swindon and Brighton, it's hoped that the bounty of London can be spread further.
"Most Northern people from think these places are already in London," said Johnston. "Now they can be."
With the expansion of the South all the way to the Scottish borders Northerners are worried for their heritage.
"I might have to move to Scotland," said Lee Mack, comedian and professional northerner. "Which would be a shame, as I quite like Hemel Hempsted."
Alex Salmond is also appalled at the idea.
"We have always had the north between us and the south," said Salmond. "And that's the way we like it."
Boris Johnson is unabashed, however: "It's all about equality, and we can't move the north south, cos we'd run out of country, obviously."
