Written by Monkey Woods

Wednesday, 20 October 2010

image for Wayne Rooney 'At The End Of His Tether'
Rooney on the training ground earlier

Manchester City and England striker Wayne Rooney is under severe mental pressure, could crack at any moment, and is just about at the end of his tether.

Rooney, who has just completed a world record £85million signing from city rivals Manchester United, has been through a series of stressful situations recently, and is now showing extreme signs of buckling under the weight.

A disappointing end to last season, a series of poor World Cup performances, and widespread coverage of an extra-marital liaison with a prostitute, have all conspired to have such an adverse effect on the former Everton star, that he could do 'something daft' if not watched.

City manager Roberto Mancini told me:

"We know he has been through a lot, and we have placed him on 24-hour Suicide Watch. He has been sedated, muzzled, put in a straitjacket, and is fed bread and water through a slit in his cell, which is padded. Sir Alex Ferguson should have taken better care of him. The brute!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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