Wayne Rooney looks set to leave Manchester United because he will not, or cannot, sign a new deal at the club.
The England striker is not thought to be interested in a move away from Old Trafford, but is understood to be physically unable to write his own name on the contract.
Prolonged negotiations have yielded little in the way of progress, with the FA refusing to acknowledge the various forms in which Rooney has attempted to sign his name. Five new contracts have been submitted for approval, but have been rejected because Rooney's moniker was rendered in the following manner:
* As a blank piece of paper
* As a crude picture of a duck
* As a smear of his own waste
* As a potato print message reading "Kiss Kiss Grandma Nutsack"
* And as an indentation from repeatedly smacking his head against it
It is believed that the final example listed was from a contract submitted just before the World Cup, and that Rooney's poor performance at the tournament can be blamed upon a severe concussion.
Rooney's advisors and Manchester United are now believed to have reached the end of their tether, and are ready to abandon further efforts to seal the deal.
United Chief Executive David Gill said:
"It's fucking hopeless: the thick scouse bastard can't write his name to the satisfaction of the authorities. If the FA accepted rutting a pensioner as a substitute for signing on the dotted line, it would be a done-deal... so we're holding out for Sepp Blatter to take over and change the rules.
"Unless that happens, Manchester City may as well have him. They somehow managed to get the dopiest bastard in football, Stephen Ireland, to write his own name on a contract - so maybe they have some advanced training techniques that we simply do not understand."
Rooney himself was unavailable for comment, but did send The Spoof a tupperware of his own feces by way of a statement.