Tiger Woods Considers the Priesthood

Written by P.M. Wortham

Wednesday, 7 April 2010

image for Tiger Woods Considers the Priesthood
High School Girls Beware. Here Comes Father Tiger.

Following yet another explosive news report where Tiger Woods is accused of an extra-marital affair, this time with a local girl he met when she was 14, Woods announced that he may leave golf and his wife in favor of a simpler life in the priesthood.

Though a now 22 year old, the young daughter of a Florida neighbor is at the center of this latest controversy and sparked an onslaught of speculation about Tiger's preference for younger girls in addition to the plethora of porn stars notched on his bed post.

"The priesthood might provide Tiger some peace from the press and a chance to repent for his life of debauchery", says Father Fergus McCarthy of the Florida Franciscan Seminary. "Finally, he could be free from temptation, knowing he has made a firm commitment to celibacy and to God".

Critics think Woods may be running from one kettle of fish into another, though you would have to pardon the truly tasteless pun, knowing the seminary is a primary supplier of teaching priests for private southern high schools. "It's a target rich environment", says golf analyst and former Catholic High School graduate, Harry Bakdor. "Hundreds of high school girls in plaid skirts, bobby socks, black shoes and pony tails? I get a boner just thinking about it."

Woods reportedly only spoke to Father McCarthy about the opportunity, but no commitment was made. Fr. McCarthy did offer a follow up comment however, "He would make a good role model and youth counselor. We would be excited to see Father Eldred join the order."

Tiger was not reached for further comment while trying to focus on his play for the Masters. Tee off time slated for early morning. Thankfully, there won't be anything else on Tiger's mind.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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