Donald Trump's magic haemorrhoid cream cures Tiger and Jesse's sex addictions

Written by Bill Licks

Friday, 2 April 2010

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Trump's arse - touch it for good luck

Donald Trump revealed today that he has been responsible for saving the marriages of famous celebrities by applying his own brand of haemorrhoid cream, Preparation Trump to his arse.

Trump's arse may not be as famous as Trump's hairpiece but the revelation that it is more effective than any marriage guidance councillor will now give it the notoriety it truly deserves.

As Trump's mouth babbled some shite about how he didn't blame Tiger Woods or Jesse James for their affairs with porn stars and cheap hookers, Trump's arse was getting to work on helping the stars repair their broken marriages by sending signals to Trump's brain to move his hand down to his backside for a good old scratch between his arse cheeks.

For years Trump's arse has had to suffer the abuse of Donald Trump's diet of rich food, expensive champagne and cheap toilet paper. Eventually the neglected ring piece could take no more and began to swell and weep uncontrollably.

Trump became concerned so asked one of his assistants to go down to Trump's Pharmacy near Trump Towers on Trump Street in Trump Town, and get some ointment to help soothe his expanding balloons.

So the assistant returned with Preparation Trump and carefully applied it to Trump's arse just as Trump was watching Tiger Woods apologize live on TV for the bad things that he had done.

As Trump felt the soft fingers of his assistant apply the cool cream to his irritation he smiled to himself and realized that his arse was somehow controlling Wood's actions as the itching began to rescind.

As time went by Trump forgot about this incident and also, once again neglected his arse. So Trump's arse sent a gentle reminder to trump's brain and once again Trump was bent over his desk with his pants down as his assistant went to work on his stinging ring.

This coincided with the news that Jesse James had just checked into rehab to help cure his sex addiction and also save his marriage. Suddenly the lightbulb above Trump's hairpiece lit up and Trump knew that his magic haemorrhoid cream was responsible once again.

Trump hopes that his piles will help other celebrities repair their relationships and also wants to branch out and perhaps use his Preparation Trump to stop wars, prevent disasters and cure diseases.

He also hopes that it will help Spoof writers to come up with stories that don't involve his arse and inspire them to do something a little more constructive on a Bank Holiday rather than write complete bollocks like this.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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