Masters Grant Woods Dispensation: Will Play in PopeMobile Golf Cart Due to "Chronic Penis Cramps."

Written by Morse

Wednesday, 7 April 2010

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Pope Sends "High 5" to Tiger on Twitter: Grants Him Use of Pope Mobile at Masters!

Golf history was made today as Tiger Woods received what can be compared to a "Papal Dispensation" as he was authorized to use an air conditioned, sound proofed Golf Cart normally reserved for the Pope when he plays 'around' when visiting the US.

A spokesman for the PGA announced the decision at a packed press conference over complimentary mint juleps saying that the Master's Committee felt the dispensation was warranted due to the intense pressure put on Woods after his return from Serial Sexual Rounds were revealed over Thanksgiving 2009 when Woods was caught 'stuffing' a bird other than his wife. Make that a covey of birds.

He highlighted the importance for Woods to play well in order to keep sponsorship levels high, stockholders returns above water, and most importantly, give more time for the healing of Woods' overworked Penis, which is still subject to " severe cramping" according to a team of medical staff administering to the golf star. A Doctor close to the situation says Woods is still not used to having to wear a 'GPS Penis Collar' which keeps his member strapped tightly to his thigh.

The "Pope Mobile", a bubble shaped golf cart with air conditioning, high speed internet, bullet proof glass, and turbo charged lithium batteries was made available after the Pope, who is tied up with 'minor problems' in Ireland and Germany, authorized it's use to Tiger, who allegedly is a Buddhist, an indication that the Pope has all but given up on reaching an accommodation with the Muslims, or Rosie O'Donnell for that matter who recently trashed the Catholic Religion.

The awarding of the golf cart also solved another problem for Woods, as he was unable to find anyone willing to caddie for him due to the recent embarrassment caused to anyone employed by the insatiable Satyr.

"This is the first time in years I'll be handling my own bag," said Woods wistfully, "I'm used to someone just grabbing my club and telling me to
swing away!"

Woods said he knows the course pretty well, and of course he will be aided by the GPS guide located in the headliner of the golf cart next to the Vicatin, Condom, Wafer, Wine and tissue dispenser.

While Tiger will be isolated driving around the course with his playing partners K.J. Choi and Matt Kuchar walk for two rounds, he won't exactly be alone.

The studly Woods will be surrounded by a Security Phalanx of over 90 specially hired bodyguards to insure he is not embarrassed by any golf fans, usually blonde, that want to have his baby, make love in a dumpster, join his foursome, or horrors, spank his balls.

The only cart customization Woods requested, and was authorized, was that all glass on the "Tiger Mobile" be blacked out, offering him "complete privacy" from the prying eyes of fans, the TV cameras and his wife, Elin, who said she would be 'away shopping' during the event.

Master's Officials deny that Woods demanded, and they granted, his request for a 'golf hostess' to ride with him in the cart and perform normal caddy duties such as 'cleaning his balls and wiping down his putter."

Tiger's #1 squeeze now known as the "8 Million Dollar Woman", Rachael Uchitel, has dropped out of sight, with friends saying she wanted to get away and would be back 'in about a week' after taking a "four day drive around the country to take in the scenery and hopefully get laid."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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