Written by Monkey Woods

Friday, 22 June 2007

West Ham United, saved from relegation from the Premier League by a last-minute fit of panic by Sheffield United in May, will be demoted by an incredible TWO LEAGUES when the panel looking into The Blades reinstatement bid announce their decision next week.

Rather than having points deducted, The Hammers were the subjects of a £5.5million fine over their 'improper practices' with regard to the signing of Argentinian Carlos Tevez and another player whose name escapes me. Subsequently, it was the Yorkshire that 'fell at the last', and were dispatched to the confines of the Championship.

Next week though, TheSpoof has learned, Sheffield are to get a reprieve, and will be reinstated into the top flight, whereas West Ham will be relegated two leagues into League One, along with other giants of football such as Cheltenham Town, Hartlepool United and Yeovil Somethingorother. One saving grace for Hammers fans is that they will be able to meet up with old friends Leeds United who have fallen upon hard times.

The double-demotion comes close on the heels of a similar punishment handed down to Boston United, who went straight from League Two into the embarrassingly-named Bernard Matthews Turkey Roast League One (Northern Section) after financial irregularities were discovered in their notebooks.

West Ham chairman , Eggnog Magnusson, brother of the late Mastermind interrogator Magnus "I've started so I'll finish" Magnusson, said that the club would appeal to Norse Gods in an effort to overturn any negative outcome.

The Icelander, who, rather unfortunately, has a head shaped like a baked bean, a face like a smacked arse, and who could easily fit into the role of a Star Trek alien, knows life in League One will be hard, and money tight, and said:

"We will fight it to the death, like the ICF did. But, if it happens, we may have to tighten our belts and pay the players, not in money, but in frozen chickens."

Oh yeah, Javier Mascherano was the other bloke.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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