Browns now regret letting Baker Mayfield Move into First Energy Stadium

Funny story written by StubbornGorilla

Saturday, 19 March 2022

image for Browns now regret letting Baker Mayfield Move into First Energy Stadium
"Any stadium would be happy to have the Mayfields as their custodians."

After the sudden courtship of Deshawn Watson the breakup between the Cleveland Browns and Baker Mayfield was inevitable. With Watson's signing it is now a foregone conclusion, and about to get messy. The most contentious issue now facing both parties is the imminent eviction of the Mayfields from First Energy Stadium.

"In hindsight it was a huge mistake", James Arthur Haslam III, owner of the Browns stated. "We never should have gotten so cozy with Baker in the first place," Haslam continued citing the constant uncertainty of life in the NFL. "Why on earth did we think that it would be a good idea to let one of your players live in the stadium?"

"It probably had something to do with Baker breaking the rookie touchdown record, and the Browns forgetting who they are, and believing they had finally drafted an actual franchise quarterback," Tim Couch guessed. "Since they returned to the league in 1999 that haven't had much luck with that. I wasn't the right guy, and neither were Brady Quinn or Brandon Weeden," Couch continued. "And don't get me started on "Johnny Football..."

Sound judgement, especially on first round quarterback selections is clearly not a strong suit of the Cleveland Browns. Observers speculate that although this may be the first time that an uncomfortable conversation was due on the subject of living circumstance, it was far from the first time things between the Browns and their quarterback had become contentious.

Haslam was quick to point out that it had nothing to do with the Mayfield's personal hygiene habits. "Both Baker and Emily were model tenants. You could always count on them having the stadium spic and span on game day. Emily was a great landscaper which was an added bonus. The bushes outside never looked better." He also stated that they were very conscientious stewards of the facility to the point where they split the bathroom cleaning duties based on gender to avoid any awkward interactions with fans at stadium events. "Baker made sure he was never the creepy guy inside the girls bathroom when events were taking place on site."

"it all really comes down to everyone's discomfort with the football situation," Baker stated. "They think it will be awkward for everyone involved if I come out of the showers one morning, and go to my former locker to get dressed only to find Deshawn's stuff there instead. And they would be right."

Baker stated that they offered to have him and Emily stay on as custodial staff if they are so inclined, but the couple was not receptive to the idea.

Haslam concluded, "Baker still sees a bright future for himself in the NFL as a starting quarterback, and we wish him all the best. If it doesn't work out he is always welcome back to First Energy. He really kept the concession stands absolutely immaculate!"

Tim Couch suggested that based on past Brown QB experience Baker "shouldn't rule it out."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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