NEW YORK CITY – (Sports Satire) – MLB pitchers have banded together and 147, recently signed a petition that states that they want to be allowed to use grip enhancers, so that they are not embarrassed before millions of fans when the ball suddenly falls out of their hand during their pitching motion.
One pitcher, who pitches for the Houston Astros, told reporters that grip enhancers do not fall under the category of the age-old baseball term, cheater cheater pumpkin eater.
He noted that baseball pitchers in Ireland, Cuba, Japan, and Kamgooganda, have been using grip enhancers since 1959, and no one has complained or even said diddly squat.
Meanwhile MLB hitters are upset that pitchers are getting preferential treatment as if they’re ballerina divas on some Broadway stage.
One infielder for the New York Yankees said that his batting average is down 47 points from this time last year.
He remarked that he attributes it solely to the fact that the cheating pitchers are doctoring up baseballs with everything from Crisco shortening to Preparation H.
A catcher for the Pittsburgh Pirates noted that he knows of one relief pitcher with the Cincinnati Reds who keeps a tube of his wife’s vaginal cream in his locker, and he then transfers it into his nostrils, where he will eventually apply it on the baseball.
SIDENOTE: The Sports Bet Gazette has issued a statement verifying the rumor that MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred is going to make pitchers who doctor baseballs wear a sign that reads: I’m a cheater – I put illegal stuff on my balls.