Old Woman Takes Over At Sheffield United

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Saturday, 27 March 2021

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Edna at training yesterday

Their stay in the Premier League may be all but over, and a return to the slog of the Championship looking ever more likely, but Sheffield United are already planning for the future, and this afternoon unveiled the successor to Chris Wilder, sacked a fortnight ago, in the form of new manager, 85-year-old Edna Heckingbottom.

She will take charge before United's game with Leeds at Elland Road on Saturday 3 April.

Edna is the mother of United's caretaker manager, Paul Heckingbottom, who has been taking care of the team since Wilder's departure.

United have been floundering at the foot of the PL since the opening day of the campaign, and will, most likely, end up there at the end of it.

Prince Abdullah, the Blades' owner, has struggled to find a suitable replacement for Wilder, and told reporters:

"I told reporters I have struggled to find a suitable replacement for Wilder. I can't understand it. We are a Premier League team who used to include the likes of Tony Currie and Alan Woodward in our team, but nobody seems to want to touch us with a bargepole. It's mystifying!"

But, after installing the u-23 coach, he has had his doubts, and changed his mind on Friday after meeting Edna at training.

Edna said:

"Oooh, he w' lovely, that Prince fella! I told him 'Our Paul's useless! Tha'll get nowhere wiyim in charge!' Then isez t'mi 'Can you give it a go, love?' Ah sez 'Ar, ah'll not let thee dahn, cock!' An that were it!"

Edna said she intends to get rid of United's pink change strip:

"The look lahk a loada Nancy Boys, dote the?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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