NEW YORK CITY – (Sports Satire) – The manager of the New York Yankees, Aaron Boone, says he hasn’t been as happy as he is now since 2001, when he won $91,000 on Lucky Lady La Brea at the Santa Anita racetrack.
The thing that has Boone so extremely excited is that the Yankees organization has just signed a 17-year-old pitching sensation, Kyle Ballyhoo, who will be graduating from Mrs. John F. Kennedy High School in Dirty River, Wyoming, in a few months.
Boone told Buckaroo Kazoo, with the Turnstile Review, that he personally saw young Ballyhoo throw the ball at 107 mph. He added that he can also throw both right- and left-handed, plus he can even throw perfect strikes while wearing a blindfold.
The 17-year-old phenomenon also has a fantastic knuckleball that is almost impossible to catch. Baseball scouts say that the catcher actually has to take off his catcher’s mitt, and use a huge butterfly net in order to catch the fluttering ball.
When asked what he attributed his tremendous throwing speed to, he said he got his speed from his Grandma Matilda, who used to throw 91 mph rocks at wolves that would attack her flock of flamingos.
Ballyhoo’s parents, Gregg and Ginger, are midget trapeze artists who perform for the Ringling Brothers, Barnum & Bailey Circus.
Boone said that Kyle will be sent down to the Yankees minor league farm club, The Duluth Doodlebugs, where he will pitch one game, before joining the “Bigs”, after signing a 2-year contract worth $14 million.