(NOT EDITED) All the negative adjectives in the English dictionary can be slung at Manchester United in a series of quite disgraceful first 45-minute performances! Their manager, Ole, has found a solution to this problem and is demanding the EFA (English Football Association) postpone all of their games for the first 45 minutes!
The FA feel quite sympathetic to Ole's dilemma and will now introduce a new regulation to help them. Opposing teams must enter their stadiums, play among themselves for 45 minutes. They are allowed to score a maximum of 2 goals in United's empty goal, if they score more, they will be ruled offside.
A cardboard copy of United's goalie, De Gea, will be placed in the goal to encourage their opponents to shoot and, to make the first 45 minutes more realistic! In addition, if a high ball is whacked forward and goes out, the game will start with a throw-in by the ball-boys, only United's long balls will be allowed to stay in when they start to play in the second half!
After the half-time break, United will appear and thrash the crap out of their opponents! This special regulation will only apply to United, not Leeds, we hate them. The rest of the Premier League teams will play the normal 90 minutes. Only when United come to town, will they play with themselves for 45 minutes, wankers!
The reason for this sensational new regulation is United are the biggest team on the planet, but certainly not the best! And their millions of suffering fans all over the globe, who have heart-attacks, depressions, and even suicides, while watching their beloved United play like shit in the first 45 minutes, need medical care.
Hence, the EFA have introduced the regulation to avoid yet another global pandemic, a footy one, caused by Manchester United's disgraceful efforts to kick a ball to one of their own team-mates for 45 minutes. However, United's global fan base always feel much healthier as soon as the second half commences!
David Moyes, ex-United manager, and a total tosser, has protested about this new regulation claiming; "Fecking United, they stuffed £5 million up my tight-Scottish-arse, and now think they can get away with murder! That fucking ball was over my head!"
Dear Mr. Moyes, the only thing hanging over your head since you got the boot at United is, The Sword of Damocles!