WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Sports Satire) – D.C. United, of the Major Soccer League, have the worst record of all 26 teams in the league.
Team owner Jason Levien informed ESPN-4 that his team’s 2-10 record is just not acceptable.
He remarked that he is getting tired of going to a mall, and hearing people yell out for him to change the team’s name to the Black and Blue.
He pointed out that interim manager Chad Ashton is a real nice guy, who knows dozens of Mitch McConnell jokes, and is a fantastic hamburger griller, but he is on his way out as soon as a replacement manager can be found.
Levien, who first met former Manchester United super star Eric Cantona in Iceland many years ago, informed the sports media that he truly believes Cantona, can turn his team around.
He noted that Cantona was a temperamental player, and that may just be what his team needs to give them a much-needed boost.
Levien said that the Frenchman will not hesitate to kick some butt, figuratively and physically.
Cantona, who, after retiring, became an actor, could not be reached for comment as he was in Peru filming a movie with Sofia Vergara, Jennifer Lopez, Bradley Cooper, and Kate Gosselin titled “The Lusciously Hot Maidens of Machu Picchu.”