KANSAS CITY - (Sports Satire) - The NFL season finally kicked off at Kansas City's Arrowhead Stadium, which will soon be changed to The 7th Cavalry Stadium.
The St.Louis Outlooker News noted that the namechange will be to appease the Red Lives Matter group, and to honor General Custer’s 7th Cavalry, which was massacred at The Battle of the Little Big Horn by 7,000 hostile Lakota Sioux, Cheyenne, and Arapaho warriors.
Members of both teams wore patches that said “Football Matters”.
Paul McCartney performed a haunting instrumental version of the “Star Spangled Banner” on a Peruvian pan flute.
The stadium holds 70,000-plus fans, but only 15,895 were allowed in.
One of the TV cameras caught a group of cardboard fan cut-outs in the likeness of Queen Elizabeth, Kamala Harris, Melania Trump, and the Rolling Stones.
As the camera panned in close, one could clearly see that the cardboard cut-out of guitarist Keith Richards was smoking a marijuana joint.
None of the players on either team wore masks on the field. Chiefs' quarterback Patrick Mahomes wore a mask that said, “The $500 Million Man”, in reference to his brand new half-a-billion-dollar contract.
Mahomes, as usual, didn't even break out in a sweat. TV announcer Al Michaels even commented that Patrick wa as smooth as butter on Kim Kardashian's thighs.
Kansas City beat the Houston Texans 34-20. After the game, both teams hugged each other like a bunch of Sturgis bikers.