Coronavirus Crisis Rivaled only by Hypochondria Epidemic

Written by Chrissy Benson

Monday, 16 March 2020

image for Coronavirus Crisis Rivaled only by Hypochondria Epidemic
Noting that viruses are mutating as we speak, Monica Woodson fears that she may have prostate cancer.

With more and more cases of COVID-19 being diagnosed throughout the United States, a new pandemic has unexpectedly surpassed even the coronavirus crisis, with Americans everywhere reporting skyrocketing rates of hypochondria.

Having noticed that her throat is a little dry and she feels a bit fatigued, Monica Woodson of Rochester, New York, fears that she has either a new strain of coronavirus or prostate cancer. “I know that prostate cancer is relatively rare in women," said Woodson. "But viruses are mutating as we speak. These days anything is possible.”

Carmen Rodriguez of Chattanooga, Tennessee, is also highly concerned about having either coronavirus, an autoimmune disease, or bipolar – or all of the above, due to a brain tumor. “I don’t typically get migraines, but I felt a tingling in the back of my head – and I flew off the handle at my boyfriend recently, which is not like me at all,” she said. “He told me I was acting like a different person."

After realizing that she'd forgotten to wash her hands after going to the grocery store, Rodriguez was reminded that anecdotal evidence suggests that COVID-19 makes people even more vulnerable to cancer and psychiatric disorders. "Lately, it's been one thing after another. It would be just my luck to get everything."

On the other hand, Eric Robertson of New York City, a self-described “reverse hypochondriac,” is taking the COVID-19 scare in stride. “Compared to the contamination we’re exposed to on a daily basis here in New York, even just taking the subway, coronavirus is probably an upgrade," he said. "So, as far as I’m concerned, bring it on - we could do a lot worse!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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