BOSTON – Tom Brady, one of the NFL’s all-time great quarterbacks, has just announced that he plans on retiring.
He told Sports Balls Illustrated’s Pistachio Custer that the time has come for him to hang up his football crotch cup, or pecker plate, as they call it in Kentucky.
Brady said, “I’ve just gotten to the point where I am sick and damn tired of getting sacked all the effen time.” He hit his fist and added, “after about the fifth time that I get knocked on my ass, I can no longer feel my toes, my ears, or my tallywacker.”
Brady was asked if there is anything that he still wants to do. He perked up, and said that he wants to become a standup comedian. When asked for a joke, he said, “Back in high school there was this girl who was so fat, that she would rent herself out as a parade float.”
Custer asked him what his wife, the gorgeously sexy Gisele Bundchen had to say about him quitting the game he’s played ever since he was 8 months old. He smiled and said “Gissy loves it. She said if I retire we’ll have a lot more time to go shopping together, go to movies, go out drinking, and also we’ll have more time to do the Horizontal Bouncy Bounce.
(IN CLOSING – Rumors currently making the D.C. rounds contend that Donald Trump is not Eric’s biological father. Many say that Eric’s real daddy is Mitch “The Turtle Bitch” McConnell.)