Miami, FL - Authorities in Miami will allow the Super Bowl to be played after all, according to the Miami Mayor. However, fans will have to watch on Cable. No fans will be allowed within five miles of the stadium.
Players will be dressed in full respirators, and doctors will monitor the players for the Coronavirus using expensive saliva test kits.
The special pressurized suits should also cut down on injuries, since when players collide, it will be like balloons hitting, according to the Miami team doctor.
Players will be hosed off with bleach between plays. They will snack on AZT and aspartame prior to, and at, game halftime. AZT is an AIDS medicine used to treat the virus.
The Miami team doctor is afraid of diarrhea striking during the game, in which case the event might be remembered as the Super Bowel.