Tiger Woods Announces That He Will Legally Be Changing His Nickname

Written by Fannin Fabriano

Thursday, 30 January 2020

image for Tiger Woods Announces That He Will Legally Be Changing His Nickname
Tiger is thrilled with his decision to legally change his nickname. (Photo courtesy of Khloe Kardashian)

MISSOULA, Montana – Eldrick Tont “Tiger” Woods was at The 93rd Annual Missoula Semi-Invitational Golf Tournament when he was approached by Ichabod Fernandez with The Vox Populi News Agency about a rampant rumor making the rounds (no pun intended).

Fernandez told the golfing great that he had heard that he was going to be changing his nickname from Tiger Woods to Wildcat Woods.
A visibly stunned Woods told Fernandez that the rumor was, indeed, true. He said “You know Ichy, it just seems like, these days, there are so many individuals out there who are using the nickname Tiger.”

Woods went on to point out, “There’s Tiger Fuddlemuck, the Fox News reporter, Tiger Burgerstelli, the gay wrestler, Tiger Von Salisbury, the British safari guide, and Tiger Del Rancho, the famous Mexican matador.”

Woods informed Fernandez that he had used his caddy’s thesaurus to try and find another nickname to use in place of Tiger. He said that he narrowed his decision down to Puma, Cheetah, Panther, Jaguar, Snow Leopard, and Wildcat.

Eldrick pointed out “I learned that the name Puma was Oglala Sioux for ‘Middle-aged squaw woman with 2 hoohas’, so that name went out the window. The name Cheetah sounded too much like ‘Cheater.’ Panther reminded me of the Black Panthers, Jaguar is already taken by the automobile, Snow Leopard sounded quasi sissyish, so I decided on Wildcat.”

The golfing great remarked, “And the reason why I picked Wildcat was, since I'm an English major, I have always loved alliteration (WW). And so, my new official and legal name will be Wildcat Woods, and it will take effect on March 13 of this year, which I believe is either a Sunday or a Thursday.”

(IN CLOSING – President Trump has warned the United States Department of Hurricane Naming that if they do not remove the name “Melania” from their 2020 List of Hurricane Names that he will sign an executive presidential order that will totally eliminate their agency plus he will release every members tax returns for the last 9 years.)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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