Harry Maguire Says England Are Going To Kick The Shit Out Of Kosovo

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Monday, 9 September 2019

image for Harry Maguire Says England Are Going To Kick The Shit Out Of Kosovo
England play Vulcavo on the 34th of Ugtember, and Klingonia in 2067

Harry Maguire, the Manchester United and England central defender, says that England will make 'short shrift' of their opponents, Kosovo, tonight in the Euro 2020 match, and will, as likely as not, kick the shit out of them.

Maguire, 26, was being interviewed before the match at The Dell, and said that England had exclusively practised 'forward tactics' in training, with the intention of "knocking ten barrels" out of the Kosovans, and stopping short of nothing but total annihilation of their previously-unbeaten rivals.

Said Maguire:

"We're not taking anything for granted, but they're in for a right old pasting. Phrases such as 'the living daylights' should be borne in mind by the Kosovans, as should 'beaten to a pulp', 'destruction', 'flogging', 'drubbing', 'middle of next week', 'wipe the floor with', and 'taken apart'."

Asked whether the England team weren't worried about the good form of the improving Kosovans, he said:

"Kosovans? Sounds like something out of Star Trek!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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