Regular hospital patient and part time footballer, Andy Carroll, has re-joined his boyhood club, Newcastle, on a free transfer. Andy, who has spent the last 6 years swanning around London nightclubs, admits he can’t wait to get stuck in again at his hometown team.
Andy, who was down the local boozer, said:
"I’m delighted to be signing for Newcastle. I know I’m not fit at the moment but I’ve still got it. Once I’m back down the training pitch, I’ll show the gaffer I’m ready to challenge for a first team spot. After all, who else can do this after 12 pints of the brown stuff?"
He took a tennis ball out of his pocket, and attempted a game of “keepy-uppy”, which just resulted in him belting the ball through the nearest window.
Andy, whose injury record has made many question whether he confuses “injury” with “being tired in the morning”, has had to contend with many accusations of unprofessionalism throughout his career, something that has massively upset the Geordie lad, and that he wants to set straight, saying:
"I’ve always showed 100% dedication to my team and teammates, even when I was playing for that weird cunt Dalgliesh….Dagleash?....Doglead? That sour-faced twat at Liverpool. 100% commitment. I always get my round in for the lads, I’m always up for strippers - you know for moral - and I’m the first one through the door if there’s a bit of a rumble."
Andy, who has, somehow, played for England, has a message for any anxious Newcastle fans:
"Don’t worry, lads. I’ve got this! I’ll see you on the pitch. And down the Bigg Market. And at Strawberry Place. And in Nandos. Up the Mags, eh!"