England Women's Football Hooligans Go On The Rampage

Written by Monkey Woods

Wednesday, 3 July 2019

image for England Women's Football Hooligans Go On The Rampage
Two of the ringleaders - Tessa Smithkinson-Smythe and Janet Smudge

Football hooliganism, a thing that was thought by the authorities to have been battered into the past, reared its ugly head again in France last night, as hundreds of female England 'thugesses' went on the rampage through the streets of Paris, causing untold damage.

It's untold, because we haven't yet been told about any damage.

The fanesses, who had seen their heroes, the Lionesses, lose 2-1 to the USA in the World Cup semi-final, were not going to take the defeat lightly, and stormed out of the stadium to confront American fans who were busy packing up their picnics after a stunning victory that sent their team into the Final.

The so-called England fanesses chanted insults at their counterparts, such as:

"Sing when you're winning, you only sing when you're winning, sing when you're wi-nning..."


"You're gonna get your flippin' 'eads kicked in!"

There was a scuffle involving around two fans, and eyewitnesses report seeing hair being pulled, and nails bared for scratching. One American was hit over the head with a handbag.

TV pundits were quick to condemn the violence. Former England star, Alan Shearer, said:

"Well, they're not fans, are they? They're an absolute disgrace! And, anyway, where's me tea? And while I'm at it, I can't find me underpants!"

Jermaine Jenas agreed. He said:

"It's just a few mindless idiots who always spoil it for the rest. Or, at least, that's what I've heard others say in the past."

Ian Wright, the former Arsenal and England international, told us:

"It's high spirits. Ah fink they'll settle dahn when they get back behind the kitchen sink."

The English FA says it will ban any arrested English women troublecausers for life, or at least until all the ironing has been done.

One of two other teams in tonight's second semi-final will then play the USA, probably on Sunday, but I'm not really sure.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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