Cant Manage This

Written by Backandtotheleft

Friday, 28 June 2019

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The drugs we got off Mel at the train station are amazing

Ex-England striker, Manchester United forward and convicted drunk driver, Wayne Rooney, has sensationally revealed that he has had “managerial offers” even before he hangs up his boots. The revelations were discovered by Back and to the Left news two days after they’d been “revelated”, as we’ve had no internet access for a couple of weeks.

Wayne said:

"No, but yeah, I’ve had some pretty solid offers, and you know it’s all about the timing and the overall project. Yeah, well, you know it’s about feeling comfortable in a given role."

When pressed on who had offered him the work, Wayne revealed:

"Well, DFS have offered me a two-year contract to manage their Slough store. Limited transfer budget, but I will get 60% off my next three-piece suite. There were a couple of McDonalds looking into my situation as well, but nothing went further than a couple of phone calls. But I’m enjoying my time here at DC United, and am looking to push on in what are exciting times at the club."

Wayne, who is England’s record goal scorer, has often dreamt about becoming a manager, saying:

"I used to be in awe when I was a child at the power these guys held. My mum would be there bellowing at a 15-year-old shop assistant, and she would utter that monumental phrase: “I want to speak to your manager”, and he’d be summoned. He’d have to come out of some office in the back and deal with the situation. Such power. Such poise. Such masterful manipulation of the angry customer. Also I want to see what’s in the back office. I reckon he has a mini-fridge."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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