I Don't Make Excuses

Funny story written by Backandtotheleft

Monday, 25 February 2019

Master of the excuse, Jurgen Klopp, once again came out all guns blazing in defense of his side’s poor performance against a depleted Manchester United side.

Jurgen said:

"There are always many factors that decide if you win a football game. Many, many factors, and I can’t control them all. I try. Who knows what the result would have been if they hadn’t suffered their injuries? It really affected us."

He went on:

"The grass at Old Trafford wasn’t the grass we were expecting it to be. It was a different kind of grass. It was warm, but not as warm as we’d being expecting, so my players were physiologically troubled by this, but is it an excuse? Maybe, but I don’t make excuses. I had to let my dog out late last night, and that has tired me mentally."

We tried to leave the Post Office, but Jurgen grabbed us by the arm:

"A high level of moisture in the air made it difficult for my players to decide if they needed a water break or not. The coach applied its breaks rather abruptly at one point during our journey here, which obviously spooked Salah, and is probably the main reason for his poor performance. My home internet connection was a bit “iffy” last night, causing me to miss the last five minutes of a film I was streaming, and this sort of mental anguish can transmit to the players."

We tried to sidestep the babbling German, but he countered our movement with one of his own, and once again he was in front of us. Half grinning with frothing madness, he blurted out:

"I’ve never really gotten over not using MSN chat to communicate with friends anymore."

We pretended to look over his shoulder in surprise at something behind him, and Klopp swiveled his head round like an owl to see what we could. We used his distraction to dive under his arm and sprint off down the street. Just on the edge of our hearing we heard Jurgen claim:

"But I don’t like to make excuses."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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