Manchester City's state-sponsored football team won the first trophy of the English footballing season today after beating plucky Chelsea on penalties. The match itself was an example of why players shouldn’t indulge in double fish and chip portions before kickoff.
But, for some, the drama of a cup final going to a penalty shootout wasn’t enough, and Chelsea’s £78million ‘keeper decided to give it even more spice. After his number was flashed up, indicating his imminent replacement, he flat-out refused to come off.
“Kepa” (said goalkeeper) then went on to lose the penalty shootout, and has probably managed to make himself look like the biggest bell-end in football.
Back and to the Left news caught up with the embattled goalie as he walked off the Wembley pitch, and he had a different version of events.
Kepa said via a translator (his name is Raul and he’s super cute): "People keep saying I was refusing to come off, but I didn’t even see the board. I wouldn’t refuse to come off for my manager, who I respect like loads, I just didn’t see it."
After it was pointed out to him that he seemed to look in the correct direction, make clear eye contact with his manager, and, essentially, tell him to “fuck off”, he said:
"No. No. No. There was a bee. A really, really big bee was buzzing around me, and I’m allergic. So I was swinging my arms out trying to make it go away. I also speak bee, so I was, in fact, telling the bee to fuck off and not my stupid, idiotic manager who thought bringing on an inferior goalkeeper was a good idea."
We asked him to clarify his last statement, but he just waved in our faces screaming about bees and things being lost in translation before moving off to the changing rooms. Which were eerily silent.
We hoped that Raul would take us up on our offer of drinks.