Written by Backandtotheleft

Friday, 5 October 2018

As crisis club Manchester United lurch from one disaster to another on the pitch, their marketing team have been adding dozens of feathers to their already impressively-feathered cap.

Moments after United’s impressively-tepid 0-0 draw with Valencia, the club tweeted:

“Proud to announce the official club sponsor for our toilet seats will be Mr Sheen! We’re looking forward to working closely with the cleaning product giant for the next three seasons.”


A pivotal moment for toilet sponsorships everywhere, just as United's season slips slowly down the shitter. But the good news didn’t end there for the money men, as, on Thursday morning, a official club statement read:

“Manchester United is delighted to say we have an official hair-tie partner for those players who have long hair. We’ll be working in solidarity with Claire's Accessories over the next two seasons.”

No doubt star player Paul Pogba will be reassured by this partnership off the field, and it will surely drive him to even greater heights in his own on-field partnerships.

In a further warning to their domestic title rivals, they announced, to rapturous applause from shareholders, that the Old Trafford officers would have a new light bulb sponsor:

“We’d like to take this opportunity to say how illuminated we are to begin working with “Mr Lighty McLight” brand light bulbs. The only light source more powerful than the sun!”

Almost as sweet as winning an actual trophy!

Of course, United players only have one thing left that they could possibly win this season: Best Dressed at the Christmas party. But in their hearts they all know Phil Jones will win that when he, inevitably, turns up dressed as Phil Jones.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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