Crystal Palace manager, Roy Hodgson is concerned at star player Wilfried Zaha's claim that "I will have to get my leg broken" before an opponent is sent off for fouling him. Hodgson is now inviting opposing defenders into the Palace dressing room for a pre-match chat and cup of tea with Zaha to make friends and play FIFA 19.
Following his claim that "no player is bigger than the club", failing Manchester United manager not-so-special-one, Jose Mourinho, has added another bitching comment that an axis of evil (©George W. Bush) has been formed in the Old Trafford dressing room. Consisting of pissed-off team captain Antonio Valencia, ex-vice captain Paul Pogba, Mourinho ex-Chelsea victim Juan Mata, bullying victim Luke Shaw and newly ex-favourite Alexis Sanchez whose contract is estimated to cost United £180 million, Maureen says that the gang is determined to force him out of the club in order to get in a "a loser they like".
Paulo Dybala scored a hat-trick as Juventus beat Swiss side Young Boys 3-0 in the Champions League to register the club's best ever start to a season. In a post-match interview Dybala said "It was piss easy. I mean, who couldn't score a hat trick against a bunch of 9- and 10-year-olds?"
Chelsea will offer 31-year-old Brazil midfielder, David Luiz, a one-year contract extension after which he plans to retire and open a chain of hairdressers in partnership with young Arsenal midfielder Matteo Guendouzi.
Police are working with Aston Villa to find a fan who threw a cabbage at club boss Steve Bruce. The vegetable did not hit Bruce, but he was angered by the incident during the 3-3 home draw with Preston. He was later said to have told friends it could have been worse as he remembers when Barcelona fans threw a pig's head at Luis Figo.
Following a story in The Spoof that he "fucking hates Manchester United" about which he is taking legal action, Leicester City and England defender Harry Maguire now says he is glad that he didn't join the ailing club as "it's obvious the team fucking hates Maureen".