Written by Monkey Woods

Monday, 6 August 2018

image for Women's Football Commentary Comes Under Fire
Oh, he's kicked him! That poor lad's on the floor! That's not fair. How would you like it if he did that to you?

A survey amongst 3,000 football supporters of both sexes and all ages, to ascertain their opinions on female commentators of football matches, has concluded that the ladies should probably get back in their kitchens.

Recent controversies involving Patrice Evra and Jason Cundy have brought the topic of women commentators under the spotlight, and the survey, conducted by the Survey Proper of Offhanded Fans (SPOOF), seems to suggest that a staggering majority of fans would rather listen to males talking them through games.

One fan who was interviewed, Chelsea fan, Bob Radge, said:

"It just don't feel right. After John Motson, Barry Davies, Tony Gubba and Gerald Sinstadt, the voice of a woman getting all excited about football sends me cold. I have to turn the volume down. And off. You can say what you like, but I prefer 'Motty' over 'mott'. There, I've said it."

Spurs supporter, Arthur Bobbins, told us:

"I think it's just what you get used to. I've got used to blokes commentating. I ain't sexist, but I like a fella talking rather than a bird rabbiting."

If those views seemed a little one-sided, or even biased, things were put in proper perspective by those voiced by Carol Gobsworth, a lifelong Coventry City fan:

"Women can go to the football, and play as well, but the mere screech of a feminine voice commentating on the game is enough to send me into the other room to make a cup of tea. You can feel them making the effort. It's painful. It might be sexist, but if it is, that's too bad. Why women are putting so much effort into gaining equality in areas which are so clearly gender-defined, is beyond me. Jimmy Hill will be turning in his grave!"

Ron Atkinson was unavailable for comment.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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