Written by Paxton Quigley

Wednesday, 4 July 2018

image for The Secret England Footballer: Colombia Pays the Penalty - Eventually
Stick this where it belongs, Big Nose

I'm penalty taker. Yes, I bloody am, really. Except for last night that is, thanks to that bastard "Mr. Southgate". I promise you, I am going to stick one on him soon.

Look at it this way. There I am a seasoned professional among all these pretty boys, the senior pro along with Ashley Young and we are mentoring these youngsters, or we would be if Big Nose would let us out on the lash. Instead we are confined to barracks and it's early nights with just a five finger shuffle for company. It's beyond a joke.

Oh yes, last night's match. As I said, I'm a penalty taker. I scored two last season. OK so I might have missed a couple, but when the pressure's on I'm your man. I took that one against NK Maribor or was it KRC Genk in the Europa League qualifying round? So what if we were 3-0 down at home and 5-0 on aggregate and no-one else could be bothered? I stepped up and blasted it in, didn't I? Pressure, eh? I can handle it.

Not according to Big Nose. I was telling him, "Boss put me on, I can do this. Just five minutes and then it's gonna be pens and I'm your man. You can trust me". So what did he do? He only put Marcus on!!! Frigging hell, Marcus Rashford, the Man U boy wonder instead of me. OK so he scored his pen, but that one was my moment of glory.

It should have been me.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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