Written by Monkey Woods

Sunday, 27 May 2018

image for Real Madrid Sign Karius From Liverpool
Kareless grasping a bulging wad of notes

European champions Real Madrid celebrated last night after overcoming a resilient Liverpool side in the Champions League final in Kiev, then announced they have signed the Anfield club's German goalkeeper, Loris Karius.

Madrid won the game 3-1 - thanks largely to Karius - with a 'goal' from Karim Benzema and two from Gareth Bale, but that doesn't tell half the story.

Liverpool had held their own during the first half, even after losing Mohamad Salah with a shoulder injury sustained when he was dragged down by that animal Sergei Ramos.

The real drama was yet to come.

After 51 minutes, Karius - some might venture 'Kareless' - needlessly chucked the ball against Real's Benzema, and watched it roll into the back of the net to give Real the lead.

When Liverpool equalised four minutes later through Mané, the game was back on, but when Bale scored with a wonder goal after 64 minutes, the Reds had it all to do. They huffed and puffed, but the game was sealed after 83 minutes when Bale tried a speculative effort from 30 yards which Kareless first stopped, then inexplicably scooped into the back of his own net, as if scooping a transfer signing-on fee into his own back pocket.

Liverpool manager Jurgen Klopp said after news of the Kareless transfer had been announced:

"They were two terrible mistakes. We will be well shut of that dummkopf."

Real Madrid coach Zinedine Zidane laughed:

"We are overjoyed that we managed to sign this player before kick-off."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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