Written by Backandtotheleft

Sunday, 20 May 2018

Despite spending the GDP of a medium sized country Manchester United manager, Jose Mourinho, has ended the season as empty handed as the homeless people who were forced out of Windsor for the Royal wedding. The final itself was an affair completely devoid of entertainment (just like Jose likes it) and was settled by a first half Hazard penalty. Conceded, of course, by Phil Jones in one of his many “genuine attempts to win the ball but fails because he’s shite” tackles. Many were calling for Jones expulsion, namely those who hadn’t read the FA’s rulebook upgrades.

After the game Chelsea manager, Antonio Conte, still reckoned he would get sacked so quickly turned his phone off and ran though the press conference. He made it to the team bus, locking the doors, while two unidentified Russian men tried to force their way onboard.

Predictably though Jose decided to give a full length interview where he was able to exonerate himself from any blame. He said the following without pausing for breath:

People will say that the “best team won” this is a fallacy. The team that scored the most goals won but are they the best team? I don’t know, maybe Wenger knows? But maybe he doesn’t? I don’t like talking about other managers. There were times we showed our strength but other times we were misled by the referee. I don’t single out my players. But Jones and Smalling and Pogba and Herrera and Sanchez and Lingard and Rashford were to blame. They miss the chances. They concede the penalty. Sanchez looks as fat as Shaw. These are many reasons but I don’t want to talk about individual mistakes. Like Pogba missing that second half header which undoubtedly turned the game in their favour and condemmed us to defeat. I am a good manager and these pretend to be good players. I am ashamed. We couldn’t play our normal game and we were punished for it. I am sorry to Chelsea but I am still the winner because I am.

The usual barrel full of sense from Jose there.

Of course many pundits have pointed out that with Lukkaku and Fellani he didn’t have players available to play his usual game. Of sticking everyone else behind the ball and whacking it up to one of them two.

We at Back and to the Left news have enjoyed watching Manchester United this season about as much as we enjoy getting audited by the tax authorities. We also do not advocate the sacking of fellow professionals but after two seasons of turgid, terrible, predictable and ultimately unsuccessful football how can Jose hold onto his job? One only has to look across at what Manchester City boss “Pep” has done with a similar amount of money, creating an exciting attacking side that everyone wants to play for and watch. It must gall United fans that they are now regarded as the “little ugly Quasimodo like” brother of the two Manchester clubs.

However fans of the Red Devils must be glad to hear that Jose is ready to spend big again this summer. On tall, strong, slow, predictable players to carry on his game plan of winning headers and defending one goal leads.

Also Pogbas got a new haircut and United Instagram interactions are at an all time high! When do they hand out the trophies for that?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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