Written by Paxton Quigley

Friday, 20 April 2018

image for Fans’ Favourite Joey Barton Appointed as Fleetwood Town Head Coach
Joey Barton discusses tactics with Arsenal's Gervinho

English football was over the moon yesterday as it was announced that former bad boy, Joey Barton will become the new manager of League One side Fleetwood Town this summer - one day after his ban for match betting ends on 1st June. Fleetwood chairman Andy Pilley has no concerns about new head coach Barton's past and says he can be an asset to the League One club.

In a hastily convened press conference, Pilley explained to the alcohol sodden football press corps his reason for the controversial appointment:

"I expect Joey to achieve a winning culture, to be forward-thinking and to play exciting football. There's so much he has to offer to any football club and I think we're fortunate to have him as coach. I'm not concerned that some people think it's a bad idea.”

The Spoof’s sports editor, Paxton Quigley, asked a difficult question of Pilley:

“Aren’t you worried about Joey’s past misdemeanours? Let me list them. Starting a 15-man fight against Doncaster Rovers in a friendly. Stubbing out a cigar in a youth player’s eye at Manchester City. Getting sent home from a pre-season tournament in Thailand for assaulting a 15-year-old Everton fan. Describing his Man City team mates as ‘substandard’ in an interview. Being gaoled for assault and affray for a fight at McDonalds after drinking ten pints. Labelling Alan Shearer as ‘a shit manager with shit tactics’ after being suspended indefinitely from Newcastle duty. There’s also the illegal betting on matches. I could go on.”

Pilley defended the appointment robustly:

“Everybody's made mistakes but I care about the future, not the past. We have a young team at Fleetwood and I am ambitious for us to reach the dizzy heights of the Premier League. Who better than to introduce them to the highs and lows of the life of a football superstar? Fat wallets, fast cars, fast women and booze are all temptations for young players and Joey knows how to handle them.”

In recent years, Barton has gained a reputation on Twitter for intellectual quotes since his mum’s birthday present of a dictionary of quotations. Being absent from the press conference on this occasion he resorted to Twitter again quoting one of his favourite philosophers, George Best:

“I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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