Retired Old Bailey judge, Sir Clement Hostage has been legal advisor to Ted Heath and Tony Blair and is an expert in English Law. Now in his mid-seventies he looks all over the much traveled aristocrat of yore with ruddy complexion, bloated girth and ragged white hair.
Our business reporter from U-R-FKD Magazine decided to pay him a visit to learn of his reaction to the current political mess created by the EU referendum.
We caught up with him at his favourite haunt The National Liberal Club. Overlooking the Thames, the club's magnificent Georgian building is within easy reach of Whitehall, the West End, the City and any number of Masonic Lodges.
Sir Clement seated on an ornate red velvet chair was affable and polite as he swigged on a brandy. puffed a large cigar and seemed entirely at home.
R: So what do you make of the vote to get out of the EEC?
Sir: Damn shame old boy. Warned him. David, said I... you are giving the sheeple too much rein. A sheep given too much rein can turn into a wolf and bite you in the bum. Wouldn't listen, damn fool. A referendum was unnecessary. Tony would never have been so rash. Tony knew how gullible the sheep are. That's why he wanted to be a rock star when he was young man. David... much too fond of fair play for his own good. Would have made a hopeless barrister and a worse judge.
R: What are the legal ramifications?
Sir: Well, according The Rash Act of 1121 that was never rescinded he should by rights be burnt at the stake.
R: And Corbyn?
Sir: Both, ye gads! At the same time. Unless a time lapse be applied for through the Time Lapse Burning at Stake Law of 1765. An appeal in that case must be formally submitted to the Pope under article 49 of the Act. The Pope can rule ex-cathedra under the papal bull of 1643 concerning the Time Lapse Burning at Stake plea that goes back a long way before it was made law.
R: And failing that?
Sir: Well, there is the Inadvertent Treason Act of 1783 that, during the Irish troubles was widely used. The Irish are treasonable by nature as you know and the act was widely used during the Penal years. In that instance both Cameron and Corbyn should be placed in the stocks in Trafalgar Square without food or water for three weeks beginning on the Summer Solstice. Thereafter to be dispatched to the Tower for an indefinite period under Her Majesty's pleasure. They would be driven there in a cart over the streets of London. I myself proposed this for Roy Hodgson after England's disgraceful defeat by Iceland in their last Euro match.
R: And if the Queen were to show clemency?
Sir: In that case they would be sent into exile to Northern Ireland. Many choose suicide instead. Or, in extreme cases, under The Admiralty Act of 1778 that has not been rescinded, one or both can be keel hauled... or whipped with the cat-o'nine-tails.
R: Seems rather harsh for a mistake in judgment.
Sir: The law is the law, old bean. They can count themselves damn lucky there are no barnacled keels available in the Thames these days. There are of course more lenient penalties for deluding the nation. Under the recent BBC Act of 2014 for instance the criminals can be sentenced to cleaning the Masonic room at the BBC headquarters for a year without pay. Or one month as resident food taster at Tony Blair's Buckinghamshire mansion.
R: And Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson?
Sir: No punishment necessary. As with gambling, the worse thing that can happen to you in British politics... is to win. The wolves of jealousy-driven retribution are at their heels as we speak. And they all have mobile phones, for which the sheeple do not, as yet, need a license. But, we are working on it.
