Bill Nigh, the Science Guy, a die-hard Indianapolis Dolts fan, hypothesizes that the explanation of the New England Playoffs coach, Bill Bellyache, that global warming is the cause of his team's under-inflated balls is "dubious at best."
Climate change, Nigh maintains, "has little or no effect on human testicles," whether they belong to quarterback Tom Bray Dee or Bellyache himself.
The coach theorized that a combination "one, two punch" by cold temperatures and rain could have caused his team's balls to shrink by as much as 1.5 pounds per square inch, leaving all who "made contact" with them, on either team, "impotent."
While Nigh agrees that cold temperatures can cause a man's scrotum to shrink, it would have "no effect whatsoever," he insists, on a player's testicles.
However, anatomists at Carnegie Melons University, which is known for its extensive research on women's mammary glands, says that "independent research" by female and gay members of its faculty tends to support Bellyache's theory. Their handling of male colleagues' balls caused their testicles to "shrink noticeably" when they manipulated them with gloves that had been stored overnight in freezers; when they handled their testicles with their own hands, at room temperature, there was "no observable shrinkage."
They also simulated rainy conditions, but the results were "a mixed bag" and could neither affirm nor deny Bellyache's theory.
Nigh says that the Carnegie Melon study is "flawed," because researchers applied tests more commonly used to study breasts than to examine balls.
"Boobs and balls are superficially similar in appearance," Nigh groused, "but the differences are far more significant. Although both may be milked, after a fashion, and both deliver nutritious fluids that can be imbibed, breasts are food sources, whereas testicles are "essentially seed banks."
Nigh suggests further tests are needed and, he says, he will be "glad to lend a hand."
