Aging year 2014 resigned today, 48 hours earlier than expected, citing ethical fatigue and "total disgust with humanity."
Badly cut and beaten by the events of the past 12 months, the old codger said he no longer cared that Earth would be in moral, political and spiritual limbo until on or about 1 January, 2015, when Baby New Year is expected to arrive.
"I doubt anyone will even notice that I'm gone," 2014 said, adding: "Which is fine by me. I'm totally ashamed to be associated with the events of my reign."
2014 noted particularly the rise of ISIS, videotaped beheadings, accelerated climate change, Gorge Bush's paintings, Miley Cyrus having sex, Justin Bieber not, "and guns, guns and guns."
"What pisses me even more," said 2014, 'is that my good things won't be remembered, like the Pope finally admitting that yes, he is a Catholic, and Michelle Bachman's retirement."
He said he was leaving a note for his successor: "Good luck, sucker!" it reads. "You'll wish you stayed in the future."
