Stoned NFL Referee Sets Record For Calling the Most Fouls on One Play

Written by mikewadestr

Sunday, 12 October 2014

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David slew Goliath with a slingshot, Samson killed a thousand men with the jawbone of a jackass and Guy Fawkes learned that attempting to blow up the House of Lords was probably not such a good idea after all.

On Sunday, these men's feats were surpassed by NFL line judge, Elmer J. SnotRag, who single handedly defeated three NFL teams with an over sized pink hankie which looked like one of those weird ghosty shaped things.

"I've never seen anything like this!" claimed an exasperated FROG NFL waffle head, Jimmie Johnson. "I can't remember a line judge rising up to the occasion and defeating not one, not two, but three NFL teams as well as causing NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, to change his pants, not once, but twice. Hell. I can't even remember when the last time a washed my hair".

It was during the game's opening kickoff between the Arizona Cardinals and Denver Broncos when Elmer J. SnotHead exercised his immaculate conception. Before the play was completed Elmer J. BuggarHead threw a penalty flag and immediately followed the flag with a thrown hat, which is an indication of more than one infraction. It soon became obvious that more than two infractions had occurred as E. J. NoseHair's shoes, socks and pants followed right behind his hat.

E. BlowHard proceeded to walk to mid field where he turned on his stadium microphone and made the following announcement:

"There are multiple infractions on this play. We have an illegal block in the back from the receiving team. We have tripping on the kicking team as well as lousy kicking form. Their kicker really sucks".

"We, also, have a crappy uniform violation on the receiving team. You can't tell me the logo on their helmets is a cardinal. No way! That thing is a Tribble with an attitude".

"But hey, the Denver's logo isn't much better. Theirs' is Mr. Ed on steroids. Hell, so much for the leagues Performance Enhancing Drugs ban policy. That's a penalty too by the way".

"Number 82 on the terrible Tribble helmet team is flagged for lousy touchdown dancing. Not for this game anyway, it's for last week when he did a lousy touchdown dance and wasn't flagged for it. As a matter of fact, I'm penalizing him three times: Once for last game when he did, once for this game when he might, and once for his next game when I hope he breaks his fucking leg going into the end zone so he can't".

"If any of you haven't already noticed, I'm not wearing any underwear. That's an indecent like conduct penalty on me."

"Oh yeah, I penalize the legal Colorado marijuana dispenser for selling me some really high grade shit that caused me to oversleep this morning and miss my flight to San Francisco where I'm supposed to be officiating the 49'er and Chiefs game. I'm here because, why not, I only live 2 miles from here and I have an NFL Officiating Pass".

"Oh hell, I'll give this umpiring crew a bunch of flags for not figuring out that I'm not supposed to be officiating in this game. Hell, I'm not even the referee so I'm not supposed to be wearing the stadium mike. Oh yeah, add about 5 more for the twitter head who's stadium microphone I stole and replaced with an mp player with the sound track of the Wizard of Oz. He's the idiot standing next to me and flapping his arms at the security personnel to come and arrest me".

E. MucusCranium did manage to assess several more penalties before the security personnel managed to taze him and drag him off the field. Although they had to taze him twice before they subdued him which gave him time to flag the security team for no zip in their zapper.

Afterwards, the remaining umpiring crew huddled together in discussion for 40 minutes before deciding to consult with instant replay. The referee spent 90 minutes under the replay hood before announcing to the crowd that all penalties were valid. He called a forfeit for both teams and announced that the San Francisco 49's would, also, be granted a win. He reasoned there would be no Kansas City fans at the game claiming: "No one from the mid west would ever travel to San Francisco at this time of year where it's cold, miserable and windy when they can stay home and be cold, miserable and windy".

It took just hours after the game ended for the Bungo network to announce a new reality show which would starring Hankiehead and named Refs Gone Wild.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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