Ray Rice Suspension Overturned, Now Eligible To Punch Roger Goodell

Funny story written by Cool Papa Bell

Sunday, 30 November 2014


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HOOTERS -- Former Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice has had his indefinite suspension from the NFL overturned, and is immediately eligible to punch NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell in the elevator of his office suite.

"I just wanna get back to doing what I do best - playing football for a living and punching people so hard they won't wake up for a week," Rice said during a Friday wings, breasts and ribs press conference.

U.S. District Judge Barbara S. Jones, who heard Rice's appeal earlier this month, concluded in her decision that Rice did not lie or mislead Goodell.

"I would like to thank Judge Jones, and I'm happy that I won't have to knock her out," Rice said.

Rice had filed the appeal to overturn the indefinite suspension handed down by the NFL at the beginning of the season after video footage surfaced of him punching his then-fiancée and future wife Janay in Atlantic City.

"Punching her and knocking her out doesn't mean I don't love her. It was just my of saying, 'Baby, will you marry me and become my punching bag for life,'" Rice said.

The basis of the running back's argument was that the former Ravens player was subjected to double jeopardy when the league indefinitely suspended him. Rice was originally banned for two games after the video footage surfaced.

Several teams already have expressed interest in Rice, including the New England Patriots and the Texas State Prison Mean Machine.

When contacted, Goodell said he was planning a vacation "somewhere far, far away, where they don't have elevators or an appeals process."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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