Former UNC Chapel Hill Standout Offensive Tackle Writes an Op-Ed to the 'Akron Beacon Journal'

Written by Samuel Vargo

Sunday, 26 October 2014

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I've been looking over a recent copy of the Akron Beacon Journal. It's not a fair or balanced paper, as I see it, and really should have a sickle and hammer on its flag. And I'm pretty darned liberal myself.

I remember back, oh, about 20 years or so ago, when the Akron Beacon Journal won the Pulitzer. I just had to see this thing, so I went to a library in Jersey City and found it in the 'Around the World' section. The type was so smeared that it looked like the thing was run off in a machine shop, in a grain silo, or at an aluminum extrusion plant.

"Can't this cheap newspaper chain buy these eggheads a half-way decent press?" I shouted. "How in the hell does a newspaper win a Pulitzer when it's smeared so badly that it can't even be read?"

I kept perusing this thing in a comfortable chair at the library. A homeless bag lady kept asking if I had a cigarette.

"No," I told her. "I quit smoking about two years ago."

"Well you should start again. It's good for your health."

"Leave me alone, lady. You homeless people need to quit coming to the library after the mission closes. Get a life!" I said, then put the paper under my arm and skedaddled out the door.

Anyhow, my friend and neighbor Jacko was traveling through Akron recently and he mailed me a copy of the Akron Beacon Journal. And here's the commentary that appeared on the sports page:

I'm mad about the Yoouniversity of North Karolina giving me a degree.

I gradeeated from UNC and plaed football their. I was a takel. I started for fore years.

Thay say 3,100 ath-letes got deegrees from UNC and now there no goode. I took 5 or 6 klasses they're, at Zhapel Hill, and the klasses were named Botany 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, & 7. I had to stare at a tree on kampus for an hour. All 7 of these klasses was boaring. I hayeted them oll. But these klasses was oll rite befoor I had foozball praktiss.

I kannot sae I got a lawt out of these klasses, but they look so pretty on my kolege transkripts. My degree is pretty two.

And unuther klass I tuke was kalled "Dyeversity" in witch I sat around a taybull with 9 of my fellow foozball players. We talked about futeball practice mostly. Too of us was wite, 4 was blak, one was an indyin naymed Bearshirt WhiteHorse, from a sue rezervation in South Dykotta, and too was meksikins frum Lost Agleless. Beeing wite and in a minority groop, I gryped about feeling aleanated and deescrimynated against at Zchapel Hell.

The prophezor, who was also the UNC lyne coche, oftentimes wacked me across the head with a ruler wen I mayde such komplaints.

"Shut the heyel up, Bubba!" Tyrone Thigpen would scream. "U donut no wot it meens to be deescriminated ageainst. I is blak as cole and I am a vyktum of apartheid, hegemony, discrimination, ostracism by the majority kulture, & a lost man in a lost land. & even thoe I mayde 16 tackles & 3 saks on the kwarterback last weke against Ole Miss, I still feeeel alyeanated, alone, deescriminated aygaynst & a vyktum of apartheid, hegemony, racism, & the hore-u-bull antics of Jim Crow.'

Then the lyne coach whacked Tirone Thigpen over his skull with that ruler.

"Shut the hell up Thigpen," you're hardly Al Sharpton," the lyne coche snapped.

And so eye am riting this open letter to the aykrone beekon journal jest to let u no that eye am a gradyate of UNC Zchapel hill & that I now hav a job teeeching kinnergarted stuudints in Rowlay. I hav had this hey're job for all-most 7 yares now & things r going gooooood. But if the powers-that-bea take my deeegree away I mite end up an agrukultural layborer of sum type.

So I am preeeeching frum my hilltop that eye am the vykktum of deescrimination, being wite and a former tack-el & mae eye sae, a rootin', tootin', monster on the foozball feeeld. Eye have tried to kall Johnnie Cochran to handle my case, but eye here he's dead. God rest his soul. Eye am in the process of seaking out a gude civil rites liar to handle this case. If UNC Zhapel Hell takes my deeeegree away from me, I am sewing the hell out of them, and that's no lye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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