Written by Patrick Parkinson

Tuesday, 19 August 2014

image for David Moyes Man United timeline - What went wrong?

One year on and we take a look back at David Moyes time as manager of Manchester United

July 1st - Fails to recognise Wayne Rooney on first day at job. Despite managing him at Everton. Rooney never properly forgives him.

July 18th - Moyes suggests to United board that they play in blue to make transition easier for him.

August 13th - Pre season ends in disaster when Moyes arranges match against 13 year old girls team hoping for easy victory to build confidence. United instead lose 7-0, the first time in 45 years since United last lost to 13 year old girls.

September 2nd - Moyes carries kit bag over his left shoulder - everyone knows cool guys wear their bags over their right shoulder

September 30th - Moyes takes team to Pizza Hut to try and bond with them. Offers to pay for everyone but gets into argument with waitress when she refuses to accept his Taste Card.

October 20th - gives Patrice Evra Everton defender Tony Hibbert's autobiography to read, to help him develop as a player.

11th November - makes mixed tape for players to listen to get them fired up for games. Includes the tracks "Garden of Eden" by Guns N Roses and "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus

December 4th - mistakenly cheers when Everton score goal in match against united. Moyes apologises for forgetting which side he was on, and for running on the pitch and hugging the Everton scorer

December 22nd - Van Persie finally returns from injury fully fit, but then is run over by Moyes' Range Rover the following day at the United training ground car park, injuring him for a further four months.

January 15th - Lionel Messi's move to Manchester United is scuppered when Moyes cracks a joke about the Falklands War at the contract signing.

February 9th - United draw with Non-league club Bangor City in FA Cup, Moyes speaks of his admiration of their heart and says Bangor are a side United aspire to be like.

March 2nd - Tensions mount in squad - Annual Paintball retreat ends with David Moyes being repeatedly shot at by the rest of the team.

March 29th - Moyes angers Sir Alex Ferguson when he phones him up for advice during "Doctor Who". Sir Alex hates it when people ring during Doctor Who.

April 6th - Van Persie returns from injuries but then is injured again when Moyes accidentally shoots him in the leg whilst showing him his antique rifle collection. He is injured for the rest of the season

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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