Leeds United to become 'dirty' once more

Funny story written by Jack Allen

Wednesday, 16 July 2014


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After the Leeds United squad collectively refused to move to live in the city a few days ago, the controversy has continued at Elland Road as Swiss International defender, Jonathan Rossini, had his loan deal terminated due to having a "poor attitude", but Nile Ranger, a convicted criminal only recently cleared of a charge of rape, has been given a trial at the club.

Hypocrisy is the word on every Leeds fan's lips (some currently struggling with the pronunciation) but recently appointed coach, David Hockaday, has quickly dismissed this viewpoint. "This isn't fiction", said Hockaday this morning, after being confronted online by angry fans. "Politicians do U-turns quicker than this and we all trust them, so please trust my judgment. I truly believe that Nile Ranger is a perfect fit for the 21st century rebirth of the 'dirty Leeds' brand that every football fan in the country loves to hate. This club must reclaim its identity and Nile is the first part of the puzzle."

With Nile supposedly being the "first part of the puzzle", fans have been discussing who could be next to arrive at the club. Such players as Joey Barton, Emmanuel Eboue, Stephen Hunt, Karl Henry, Kevin Davies and Lee Cattermole have all been rumoured to join but are yet to comment.

Leeds fans have given their opinions on whether or not once again becoming 'dirty Leeds' is worth losing the clubs sense of dignity and self-respect.

"We need a pacey winger and he'll already be used to the level and types of crime here. Fits like a glove if you ask me! We just want results! Fuck everything else!"

"It's just another sign of how some people can't take a joke! Don't believe everything you read!"

"We need a unique selling point but is this too far? I'm not sure. I suppose he's just a delayed like-for-like replacement of Lee Bowyer."

Rumours around Nile's willingness, and Jonathan Rossini's resistance, to living in Leeds are also rumoured to be a factor in the bewildering decisions made in the last few days at the club.

However, with this story spreading quicker than an STD at Oceania or Pryzm, no longer will accusations from opposing fans at games regarding where Leeds fans obtain their life partners, Savile's alleged interaction with their kids, or concerns around the club no longer being famous, be the biggest issues amongst supporters of the Yorkshire outfit. It will be about brand image and whether or not the club will stoop lower than a dwarf at limbo party to once again become successful.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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