Extreme Swiss Neutrality

Funny story written by Jessburger

Friday, 17 January 2014

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Swiss neutrality at its most extreme - Scottish Second Division sides East Fife and Stranraer F.C. met at Bayview Stadium yesterday and experienced surely the most bizarre events ever to take place in sport.

Eleven minutes into the game, referee Jose Fritzl sent off goalkeeper James McGelatin-Dessert for shouting and excessive "girating"

Even more inexplicable decisions involved the referee insisting that the linesmen use semaphore instead of flags

As the first half continued players and fans alike became increasingly alarmed by the official's temperament. At one point he stood to attention in the middle of the pitch and began chanting Latin verses, reported the Fife captain Ewan McRash.

As expected, Mr. Fritzl ended the first half by blasting the whistle at least a dozen times to a chorus of boo's from the home Fife fans.

Reports on the identity of Jose Fritzl was made public during the half time break. Mr. Fritzl was actually a court-martialled Swiss Guard with, quote "general mania including nudist tendencies" which is apparently frowned upon in the Vatican.

When the news filtered to the crowd it sparked anti-papal curses which led to the referee pulling out a corner flag and hurling it into the crowd and impaling two children.

By the 77th minute of the game, discontent brewed into chaos as Fritzl disallowed a perfectly legal East Fife goal on the grounds that the subsequent celebration was "too sexually suggestive to onlookers" McRash's bewilderment turned to anger as he began to strangle Fritzl with the goal netting

The game was abandoned in the 80th minute with four lying dead on the pitch, two Stanraer players crippled with harpoon wounds and a linesman in a Pukka pie-induced coma

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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