A-Rod's Lost Season: His Top 10 To-Do List

Written by Michael Balton

Sunday, 12 January 2014

image for A-Rod's Lost Season: His Top 10 To-Do List
All he'll feel is a little pinch.

New York - - Slapped with a full season suspension by major league baseball, Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez has wasted no time in creating a productive agenda for his year out of the lineup. Here are the top 10 action items on A-Rod's A-list:

1. Write an autobiography. Working title: "Stop Needling Me."

2. Check the ObamaCare website for a better performance-enhancing drug plan.

3. Purchase a season ticket for a seat right behind home plate and spend the summer heckling Jeter.

4. Replace upscale endorsements with lesser brands. Can you say "Sham Wow-Rod"?

5. Play for the Mets under an assumed name, like Izzy Incognito or Jason Bay.

6. Take a tip from Lance Armstrong: a lightweight 10 speed makes a great getaway vehicle, especially when you surround it with a squad of stooges.

7. Sneak into the Yankees clubhouse disguised as a decapitated Ted Williams. Tell them you're not leaving without your cryogenically frozen head.

8. The ladies won't be flocking to an out of work, overaged designated hitter. Better register for Anthony Weiner's "Sexting With Carlos Danger" course.

9. Buy out the Steinbrenner's and move the Yankees to Denver, where they appreciate user-friendly pharmaceuticals.

10. Sharpen the syringe collection.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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