Bush Calls 911
Former President Bush called 911 today and told police there were Iraqis at his ranch. Upon arrival, several Iroquois Indians walked up to police car and asked directions to a reenactment in Crawford.
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
Eskimos Have Freckles!
Study: Increase in Eskimo freckles blamed on either global warming or standing too close to moose's ass.
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
Heston Mansion Haunted?
Visitors to the Charlton Heston mansion report that they sometimes feel cold dead fingers on their necks.
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
Dentist Admits Guilt
A dentist in North Carolina admitted that he had used mercury fillings in treating over 300 patients.
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
Senate, House Down
U.S. Senate and Congress seem a bit down now that they're mostly democrats. Even yesterday's Thong Bill got scant support.
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
Laxative Companies Say 1st Quarter A Fart
Both the Ex-lax Company and the Feen a mint Company report that their sales in the first quarter of 2009 were sluggish.
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
McCain On Gore
John McCain says conservatives must not conclude that Al Gore is wrong on his global warming stand. "Back in my day, we didn't think the wooly mammoths would ever disappear either."
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
New Voting Booths
Pollsters think they have finally figured out so everyone clearly understands who they are voting for, as when curtain closes, holograms of candidates appear.
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
River Boat Pirates
In Metropolis, Illinois a Harrah's Gaming Casino boat has been attacked by Ohio River pirates.
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
This Day In 1990
This day in 1990, the nation of Malawi was given 100,000 t-shirts by the U.S., beginning a trend of women wearing tops which has led to a vow by all Malawi men to kill every person they see from US.
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
The Breaking Up Of China
The government of China has voted to split into two seperate countries. The upper part will be known as Everyday China and the lower part will be known as Holiday China.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 May 2009
More Walter Reed Deeds
A study of Walter Reed Hospital records shows that wounded & injured military personnel were given artificial placebos in major pain study.
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
No More NFL Pigskin
The National Football League has just voted to ban the use of the word pigskin. Starting with the 2009-2010 season the word pigskin will be replaced with the word pork rind.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 May 2009
The Sick And Tired Tobacco Companies
Tobacco companies are sick and tired of the media saying that tobacco prouducts are bad for you. When asked if they plan to file a lawsuit, they replied "No we're just sick and tired of hearing it."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 May 2009
Male Robot Attacks Female Robot
Japanese police in Osaka arrested a male robot who sexually assualted a female robot. A doctor who examined the female robot ascertained that she definitely had an extra screw.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 May 2009
Llama-A-Rama Over
Much like the Iditarod races up north, Peru has it's Llama-A-Rama mountain packing trek, won this year for the third time by the Dalai Lama, tying Lonas The Llama's record.
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
The Metric System Is Off
A mathematical expert reports that he has found that the metric system may be one decimal point off.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 May 2009
Spain Lowers Its Swine Flu Threat Level
Spain's Swine Flu threat level has been lowered down to purple, which means that you can now pet a pig, but you still are discouraged from kissing one on the snout.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 May 2009
Los Angeles To Ban Miniskirts
Schools in Los Angeles have decided to ban miniskirts. They said that looking at the intimate piercings is very distracting to the male students.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 May 2009
The Six-Year-Old On The Wrong Road
You know you have a problem when you ask a six-year-old boy what he wants to be when he grows up and he answers a pickpocket or a shoplifter.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 May 2009
Steady Drinking Good
Evidence mounts that steady drinking greatly benefits heart patients, heart patient doctors, hospitals.
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
US Deeply Regrets Killing Civilians
Washington "deeply, deeply" regrets the death of Afghan civilians killed by an air strike, US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has said. Also, "the next one, while I'm at it!"
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
Those Drug Addictions
Paula Abdul admits 12-year-long drug addiction...Eminem talks about his big drug addiction..Keith Richards says, "Now listen to me you little Amateurs"...
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
Supreme Court Working On Medical Marijuana Yse
The United States Supreme Court finally takes up the medical use of marijuana debate. Thomas starts things off by saying, "Look at the size of that head on Roberts, the thing is huge!!"
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
New National Poll
A new poll shows that nearly half of all American have been threatened and bullied into taking part in national polls!
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
Must Be A Big Rat
Chicago lady in wheelchair calls landlord to report that something is smelling horrible in the basement. She says she would send her husband to check it out but he's been gone for days, the lazy bum.
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
Hedge Fund Manager Disappeared
A hedge fund manager who wrote an open letter criticizing the President of the United States of America has mysteriously disappeared.
written by J.K. Baltzersen, 06 May 2009
Michelle Obama Out In Garden
Michelle Obama was seen out in her White House victory garden today, planting some more veggies, flowers and also the girl's goldfish, Mr. Goldwater. Says she'll tell them after school hours.
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
John Cleese rules out the return of Basil Fawlty!
John Cleese did not say that a re-run of Fawlty Towers wouldn't be possible as there are too many Basil Fawlty's around. One lives at number 10 Downing St. But if he had, he would have been right.
written by IN SEINE, 06 May 2009
Chinese Bond Holders to Be Bullied
The White House is preparing to cancel U.S. federal government debt held by Chinese and others through oratorical bullying, White House Press Secretary Bob Gibbs says.
written by J.K. Baltzersen, 06 May 2009
New U.S. Tax Procedure
Taxes are, as of now, to be levied by press releases from the Oval Office, a press release from the White House states.
written by J.K. Baltzersen, 06 May 2009
Housing Takes Another Fall
House prices fall another 1.7% in blow to recovery hopes as a new $500,000 home can be easily bought for mere $$491,500.
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
Cameron Accuses, Moons Brown
David Cameron mocked Gordon Brown by lowing his pants and mooning Brown's photo & saying he's used 'appalling judgment' today, as he insisted the only option he has left is to call a general election.
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
Scientist Identify Fart Deposits
Scientists have identified a genetic mechanism which appears to determine which fart deposits in the large intestines & colon have the potential to silently kill.
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
Conditions Worsen In Baghdad
A car bomber hitting bomb-making factory in Baghdad has killed at least five bomb makers, officials say, and shook up a next door anthrax lab. Many more saved by staying home with Swine Flu.
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
US, EU End Bans
The US and the European Union (EU) have reached a provisional deal to end a dispute over an EU ban on US hormone-treated beef and US ban on swine rooting up truffles.
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
Pakistan Makes Offer
Pakistan to offer Taliban leaders 250 virgins each in next life if they'll volunteer to end this one.
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
Greatest Job
A British man has been appointed the new caretaker of an Australian tropical island, a six-month position described as "the best job in the world". Second place, Hollywood discrete tattoo remover.
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
Miss Calif. Could Be Stripped
Miss California Carrie Prejean could be stripped of her title after organisers say she breached her contract by keeping topless photos secret and wouldn't let them see them.
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
Savage To Sue Briton
US talk show host, Michael Savage to sue the British government for defamation after being placed on a list of people banned from entering the UK. Asks ten Million listeners to boycott spotted dick.
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
Cyber-Criminals Creating Computer Zombies
Twelve million computers have been hijacked by cyber-criminals and detected as zombies by security vendor McAfree since January, the firm has said. Tells those on net NEVER to use the word, "BR*INS"!
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
Libya Asks For Bomber's Transfer
The Libyan authorities have requested that the man convicted of the Lockerbie bombing be transferred from Scotland after being force-fed haggis.
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
Reporter Ends Hunger Strike
The jailed US-Iranian reporter Roxana Saberi has ended a two-week hunger strike, her father Reza Saberi says, after being overcome by the smell of kabobs.
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
Cold War Moves?
Russia expelled 2 Canadian diplomats working for NATO's Moscow office in response to 2 of their diplomats expelled by the military alliance. NATO may expel two more today and lead with King's pawn.
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
Third Term Celebrations
Yesterday Robert Mugabe and his followers celebrated his third term as President For Life in Zimbabwe.
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
Whites Flee Congo
Thousands of white people were forced to leave the Congo in a hurry yesterday because of the civil war. They moved in congo lines, with only their money belts on their backs.
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
Forest Service Attacks Bat Fungus
Forest Service closes caves to stop bat fungus that has killed 500,000 bats, hospitalized millionaire, Bruce Wayne, his ward, Dick Grayson and his butler, Alfred.
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
Face Transplant Recipient Show Sense Of Humor
New face transplant recipient: "I'm not a monster! Look at Cher and her doctor's mistake last year, leaving her with three breasts."
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
California To Legalize Pot?
Schwarzenegger welcomes debate over legalized pot. "Let's all light up and talk this thing over", says Governor.
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
One In Five "Underwater"
More than one in five homeowners are "underwater", according to the Zillow.com realty site. Confused Al Gore takes family into homemade ark.
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
What's That Again?
Mountain lion mauls dog that defended owners who were out hunting down mountain lion after one had mauled one of their dogs which was defending it's owner.
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
Banned Since Pope Joan
Vatican Swiss Guards consider opening to women. "They have just as much right to entering the Vatican as men", say guards.
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
Fires Back In California
1,200 homes evacuated as 20-year-old Southern California wildfire reignites after smoldering since last flare-up in the underbrush.
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
Pirates Capture U-Boat
Somali pirates hijacked a German U-Boat with four aboard today with 70-year-old crew that became lost in 1944 in the Gulf of Aden.
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
War Games, Russia 3, UN 1
NATO holds Georgia war games, Russia critical. May hold their own war games in Venezuela, Cuba, France.
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
Obama Presses Pakistan
Obama to press the Pakistan, on fight against the Taliban, to kick their rears out of occupied land.
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
Google Street car catches man taking snake for a walk
The Google streetcar has filmed a man in Norwich taking a large snake for a walk. Meanwhile, another in London has filmed several snakes entering the Houses of Parliament.
written by IN SEINE, 06 May 2009
Glasgow: Nuclear subs to combat binge drink culture
Strathclyde police have denied over-reacting to weekend city centre violence, as the entire UK submarine fleet is moved to the Clyde.
written by Fergie73, 06 May 2009
WWI Soldiers Identities Sought
Bid begins to identify unknown World War I soldiers. "It's gets kinda fuzzy stated one 112-year-old. Jones...I think or is it Rastenberger?"
written by Bureau, 06 May 2009
