That explains everything...
Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones hospitalized after injury in collapse while inspecting damage at Cowboys practice stadium. Surgeons discover he has primitive 3-chambered reptilian heart.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 04 May 2009
Snippet writer, or just a name dropper?
Spoof writer publishes breaking news snippet just to use clever name for ex-smoker. "I don't see what the big deal is," said Nicoretta Jones nervously. "It's just a name."
written by The San Francisco Onion, 04 May 2009
Watch Out!
Just heard on the news that Sarah Palin was being given a HYPE-HOURED rifle.
written by jkfields, 04 May 2009
He's Definitely Got It
Man who came back from Mexico hospitalized after constantly talking and snorting about all the truffles he rooted out there.
written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
Warning: This Is Spooky
People in Boogertown, Tennessee say that on a clear full moon lit night, you can still hear ghostly farts coming from the site where the old Ames outhouse stood.
written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
Mexico Lowers Threat Level
Mexico saysits number of Swine Flu victims ebbing, lowers alert level to "Mildly Hot but Spicy".
written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
Obama Cracks Down On Lookholes
President Barack Obama proposed Monday to raise taxes on the overseas profits of U.S. companies and to go after evaders who abuse offshore tax shelters. Doesn't mention politicians who forget to pay.
written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
Nuns For Charity
Dressed as nuns, runners raced through London Saturday to raise money for a national children's charity. The run was sponsored by the musical "Sister Act,". The winner was Marc Almond.
written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
Google's New Competition
The biggest internet revolution will be out this month with the launch of software that will understand questions and give clear, specific, tailored answers never managed before. Chicken came first.
written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
Limbaugh Criticizes Boyle
Rush Limbaugh says he hopes Susan Boyle loses. "A big fat ugly person like that should not become a celebrity."
written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
Swine Flu Could Change NFL Rules
The National Football League has announced that if the Swine Flu reemerges this fall, players will have to play without huddles.
written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
Japanese Robot Blows Up
Japanese robot butler refuses to answer lady when asked if her outfit made her ass look big. After asking it three times, it explodes.
written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
Birds Can Dance
Researchers discover that birds can dance to today's music, especially chickens on heated floors.
written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
Susan Boyle Having Problems
Scottish spinster Susan Boyle kicked off television lot after having expensive makeover, as no one recognized her.
written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
Congress Agree On BCS Ratings
Congress has finally agreed to drop all the arguments over the college BCS football ratings. "Half of the players will be down with Swine Flu by fall, anyway."
written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
Four-Letter Word Allowed
Supreme Court ruled 5 to 4 in favor of the FCC's "zero tolerance" policy regarding expletives uttered on television networks. The only four-letter word allowed will be "Beep!"
written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
Zardari Says Bin Laden May Be Dead
Pakistan's President, Asif Ali Zardari says that Osama Bin Laden could be dead or "at least he's moved to a different cave."
written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
Pelosi Loses Voice
Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi loses voice after trying to scream about Bush involvement in torture of prisoners as republicans loudly fake coughs and sneezes of Swine Flu.
written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
US Navy Doing Good Job
United States Nuclear submarine takes out pirates off coast of Somalia by emerging under them, street venders of Chinese CD's in New York City by torpedo down Broadway.
written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
French Dislike Merger
U.S. auto company Chrysler's merge with French car has many French investors throwing a Fiat.
written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
Harriet 'Hitler' Harman, comedienne
Harriet Harman says she does not want to be Prime Minister. In political speak that would be a 'yes' then!
written by IN SEINE, 04 May 2009
White House Denies Napolitano Claim
A senior executive office official has denied claims that Judge Andrew P. Napolitano is being considered for the High Court. "Someone serious about the Constitution at the High Court? Please?!?"
written by J.K. Baltzersen, 04 May 2009
The Swine Flu Jumps The Pacific Ocean
The Swine Flu has crossed the Pacific Ocean. Japanese World Health Organization officials are referring to it by its official Japanese name...The Swine Fru.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 May 2009
The Hurrricane Katrina Mystery Finally Solved
Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and Lou Dobbs have all agreed that Hurricane Katrina was caused by the Swine Flu.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 May 2009
Mexico's Fabulous "Free Deal"
Mexico concerned that tourism has fallen off by 90 percent promises all tourists that if they contact swine flu while vacationing in Mexico their hotel room, meals, and drinks will all be free.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 May 2009
The Biggest Food Stamp Collection In The Nation
Remi Lindlawn of Valdosta, Georgia, an unemployed ice cream man has the largest food stamp collection in America. At last count Remi had 7,432,191 food stamps.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 May 2009
The Broken Sound Barrier
The first woman to break the sound barrier in a jet was Jacqueline Cochran. The first woman to break the sound barrier without a jet was Begonia "Machine Gun Mouth" Washburn.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 May 2009
The Original Rubberbands
When rubberbands were first invented they were actually made out of wire. But that idea changed real quick.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 May 2009
The # 1 Selling Pinata In The World
The Mexican Pinata Company, which is the largest in the world, has just announced that the biggest selling pinatas are swine pinatas followed by Lou Dobbs, George Bush, and Simon Cowell.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 May 2009
Clarkson Bushed?
GW Bush today said that Top Gear host, Jeremy Clarkson be reprimanded for saying that most Americans are 600 pound idiots. He was quick to point out that the American currency is actually the dollar.
written by The SSaint, 04 May 2009
This Day In History
This day in 1836, Charles Darwin saw a monkey that looked exactly like his Aunt Edith. When he yelled, "Edith?" the monkey stopped and threw shit at him, EXACTLY like Aunt Edith. Evolution was born!
written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
No Swine Flu Among Pirates
A representative of the Somali pirates has told the World Health Organization that none of them have the Swine Flu although three have recently died of scurvy.
written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
Wildlife Protester Killed
A wildlife conservationist was killed yesterday during a protest in the Congo after handcuffing himself to a rhinoceros.
written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
Obama Boston Speech
President Obama in a speech in Boston yesterday stated that America is a land of equal opportunity for everyone, but especially for us rich folks, to a standing ovation.
written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
Veggie Heads Win
Ricardo Martinelli, a right-wing supermarket tycoon won Panama's presidential election, reversing a recent trend of left-wing victories in Latin America, who are calling his followers, Veggie Heads.
written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
Just Needs A Transplant
An Australian teenage girl has been given permission by a court to have both breasts surgically removed to more closely resemble a boy. Calls Elaine Bobbit.
written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
SKorean Warship Rescues NKoreans
A South Korean navy warship has foiled a pirate attack on a North Korean cargo ship off Somalia's coast, military officials in Seoul say. Kim Jung Il refuses to here of event. Places fingers in ears.
written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
EU Economies, Country Shrink
EU economies will contract by 4% this year, the European Commission has forecast, in a massive revision from its earlier prediction. Whole area of Iceland shrinks 10%
written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
NYC School Re-Opens
Students back at New York City school after swine flu scare, repeatedly being told by teachers to quit joking loud squealing and grunts.
written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
Italian PM Demands Apology
Facing a divorce threat, Premier Silvio Berlusconi was quoted Monday as saying he doesn't know if he wants to patch up his marriage and demanding a public apology from his wife, Aphrodite.
written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
Big Three Having Problems
Nepal's prime minister resigns. Guyana calls emergency meeting to deal with obscurity. Suriname trying to reassure the United Nations that it's a real country.
written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
Greenpeace Criticizes Reporters
Mississippi woman killed by tree as storms cross Southeast. Report criticized by Greenpeace. "Where are all the headlines when a logger kills a tree?" one asks.
written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
Flu Under Control?
A leading U.S. health expert said Monday "although there are encouraging signs of a leveling off of swine flu threat, it's not completely under control. May come back & bite our ass this fall!"
written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
Mexico Complains About Foreign Quarantines
Mexico criticizes 'repressive' quarantines abroad. Shouldn't be isolated just because of being Mexican. None reported with flu....although nearly 350 had bags of cocaine up their ass.
written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
Pakistan Peace Deal Under Fire
The Pakistan peace deal is under fire amid attacks, bombings, riots, burnings and assassinations, otherwise holding it's own.
written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
Obama Hits Remaining U.S. Companies
Obama wants to end tax rules that now save companies $190 billion. "No time like the present to run off and destroy more American companies", says President.
written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
What A Relief
Was the alarm over swine flu justified? Swine Flu may only be as dangerous as regular flu, which claims only 20,000-40,000 people's lives every year, says expert.
written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
Obama Threatens to Send Teleprompter to Gitmo
An anonymous executive office source says the Prez has threatened to send the Presidential teleprompter to Gitmo. If the teleprompter doesn't pull itself together, it will go, and Gitmo stays open.
written by J.K. Baltzersen, 04 May 2009
