Tiffany Hit By Economy
The economic crunch has hit New york City especially hard as Tiffany is opening a new TiffanyMart on Fifth Avenue!.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2009
Another Indiana Jones Movie
Harrison Ford signs on for one more Raiders Sequel: "Indiana Jones and the Blinking Left Turn Signal!"
written by Bureau, 27 May 2009
Elephants Hem Haw Too
Outnumbered Republicans in the House hem and haw for a week until bill finally pulled from being voted on.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2009
WalMart, But Target First
Man who lost his job at WalMart caught before he can come back heavily armed, as he first wanted to take Target practice.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2009
Heavy Breather Gone
Police trace heavy breather who's been annoying Kent, Ohio ladies, to an apartment on Lincoln Street, only to find that he has hyperventilated himself to death.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2009
Emergency: Calling 911!
Chef in New Orleans loses his famous dessert recipe, makes an emergency call to the Crepe Hotline!
written by Bureau, 27 May 2009
Russia: NKorea Conflict Could Go Nuke!
Russia says it fears that North Korean conflict could go nuclear. Report from Crawford, Texas: "Just as long as it's not that any of that horrible nukkler stuff."
written by Bureau, 27 May 2009
Love That SpongeBob
New television study says that children's programs can now be shown at night in prime time after recent study of the IQ's of Americans, Brits.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2009
FBI: Franklin Counterfeit Bills
FBI: Please return all Franklin $100 bills with a picture supposedly of Franklin's ass on the backside. These are counterfeit copies.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2009
Many Americans In Debt
Financial report: The average American family household is now $22,000 in debt, plus one in twenty suffer from broken kneecaps.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2009
US New Weapon
Atomic scientists in New Mexico say we can now safely destroy most of H Bombs and replace them with the new Earth Splitters!
written by Bureau, 27 May 2009
Walter Reed To Change
The Walter Reed Hospital has announced that it is about to change it's name to the Staph Infection Center!
written by Bureau, 27 May 2009
Umpire, Catcher Nearly Blinded
Major League Baseball Report: Star hitter for the New York Yankees hit with pitch where he injects himself, causes his ass to explode!
written by Bureau, 27 May 2009
Gitmo To GMC
After GMC Bankruptcy at any time, President Obama to move Gitmo detainees into old car dealership grounds, offices.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2009
Pyongyang Disney Opens!
New Pyongyang Disney World to specialize in fireworks, rockets, nuclear missiles! Jung names Mickey, Kim Jung Jr. Dances with the other Goofy.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2009
President Curbs Emissions
President Barack Obama ordered an immediate curb in emissions this morning, beginning with his mother-in-law!
written by Bureau, 27 May 2009
NFL "Girly" Play
Veteran quarterback of the National Football League says the old "Statue of Liberty" play now classified as a "girly" thing.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2009
Double Blast It!
Terrorist leader In Iraq angry as tail-gating suicide bomber rear ends suicide bomber in car ahead. "I'll see that he gets no virgins, whatsoever!"
written by Bureau, 27 May 2009
New Ford "Magnet"
New Ford magnet-controlled car to be introduced near rear end of big old eighteen wheeled truck. No gas needed, but brakes required often.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2009
Traces Of Cocaine
Tests show traces of cocaine in Madrid. "Why do you think we came here?' asks tourist after inhaling deeply.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2009
A gardener was evicted from his allotment for not growing enough fruit or veg
A 61-year-old Cheltenham man has been evicted from his allotment for not growing enough fruit or veg. He argued; "LOOK! There are at least 674 gooseberries on that plant, isn't that enough?"
written by IN SEINE, 27 May 2009
Mother fits son with a GPS tracking device for gap year
A mother who fitted a son with a GPS tracking device for his gap year, said she got the idea from President Bush, as he had done it to his Poddle, Tony Blair.
written by IN SEINE, 27 May 2009
Griffin fears butter-knife assault on Palace lawn
British National Party leader Nick Griffin will not attend a Buck House garden party to save embarrassing the Queen. Garden party expert Fish out of Marillion said: "Prince Philip may also be absent."
written by neilwatson, 27 May 2009
Pilgrims flock to see cheesy Jesus of Texas
The first pilgrims from Lourdes have finally shown up at Dan and Sarah Bell's house in Dallas to see their Jesus-shaped crunchy snack. A shame-faced Mr Bell admitted: "Sometimes a man gets hungry ..."
written by neilwatson, 27 May 2009
The U.S. Central Intelligence Agency Moving To Cuba
The CIA director has decided to move the CIA offices to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. He says that this way they'll be so much closer to their work.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 27 May 2009
The Portland (Maine) To Portland (Oregon) Marathon
The First Annual Portland, Maine to Portland, Oregon 2,544 mile run has been cancelled because only two runners had signed up.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 27 May 2009
Welcome To Most of The Six Flags of Texas Amusement Park
In order to keep from going bankrupt. Each one of The Six Flags of Texas Amusement Parks is selling their Ferris Wheels.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 27 May 2009
The Affordable Chinese Pandas
The Republic of China in order to raise much-needed revenue is planning on having a "Buy One Panda, Get Four Pandas Free Sale."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 27 May 2009
The Old Call-In-To-Win Radio Contest
A radio station in Valdosta, Georgia has been fined $10,000 by the FCC for running a contest that called for the winner to be the one millionith caller.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 27 May 2009
The Iraq/Afghanistan Cruise
Hundreds of U.S. troops are leaving Iraq but are being sent directly to Afghanistan. One soldier said that they were thrilled because originally they had heard that they were being sent to Detroit.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 27 May 2009
Lindsay Lohan's New Perfume
Revlon has just announced that they will be coming out with a new perfume line named after Lindsay Lohan. The new perfume is called, Eau du Dumped.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 27 May 2009
Hello, Is This Pakistan?
A couple living in Manhattan said that the dogwalking fee they pay has tripled since last November. So they have decided to outsource their dogwalking to Pakistan.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 27 May 2009
Melissa Rivers To Portray Monica Lewinsky
Melissa Rivers has just been signed to star in Hey Is That A Cuban Cigar Or Are You Just Happy To See Me? - The Monica Lewinsky Story.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 27 May 2009
The Brand New Rush Limbaugh Jogging Shoes
Adidas has just introduced a new pair of jogging shoes. They're called The Rush Limbaugh Jogging Shoes. These shoes are shaped such that they can easily fit into one's mouth.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 27 May 2009
US Watching Swine Flu Closely
The US is closely watching numbers of Swine Flu victims before regular flu season arrives. "We have more porkers here than anywhere else", claims Health Department.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2009
Restaurant Sends Mixed Messages
Mixed messages as defiant Nobu still serves up endangered tuna - but asks you not to eat it. "Also, beware the mushrooms, could be deadly poison or lead to hallucinations!"
written by Bureau, 27 May 2009
Weathermen Ruining Vacations
Weathermen's 'cautious' forecasts blamed for costing seaside towns millions in lost tourism. "99.8% chance of beautiful sunny weather, BUT could be a tsunami killing everyone within miles!"
written by Bureau, 27 May 2009
Litening To Football Dangerous?
Listening to the football while driving 'could make you crash' say experts. Also, "listening to us and our warnings could make you fall asleep at the wheel."
written by Bureau, 27 May 2009
Fish & Chips Run Stopped
Care home wardens stopped OAP's weekly fish and chips run over food poisoning fears. "I'd rather see them starve to death than take a chance of possibly poisoning one", states Chief Idiot In Charge.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2009
California Bans Gay Marriage
California bans gay marriage: Activists in liberal state stunned as judges uphold 'people's will'. Plan to invent "Pairage" and ban two-sex pairages!
written by Bureau, 27 May 2009
French Snub Royal Family
D-Day snub to Queen: Palace fury as Sarkozy refuses to invite royals to 65th Anniversary. "What did the English have to do with our WWII victory?", asks the French leader.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2009
Colombo To Help
Colombo to 'rehabilitate' rebels as Peter Falk heads to the battle worn area. "I'm getting a little old for this, but I'll give it a shot", states Falk.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2009
Diabete Explosion In Asia
New research suggests diabetes is becoming a global problem, with Asia having an explosion of cases. "We're had two to explode in past week. Bad for business", says restaurant owner in Tokyo.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2009
UK Millionaires Down
The number of UK millionaires has more than halved as the recession has bitten into the earnings of the super-wealthy, a report claims. Many now seen in line at the Lobster & Crab Bisques Kitchens.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2009
Rat Study Next!
Scientists have finished sequencing the mouse genome after a 10-year effort. Will begin rat genome study next with Bernie Madoff.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2009
Mouse Genome Finished
Scientists have finished sequencing the mouse genome after a 10-year effort. Mouse quoted as saying, "Whew, I wouldn't want to go through that again! My insurance is going to go through the roof!"
written by Bureau, 27 May 2009
Late, Late Breaking News
Russia capsule blasts off for space station, accidentally shot down by NKorean missile, stolen by Somali pirates, rescued by Cruise ship crew, returned to Russia which will try it again tomorrow.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2009
Chrysler Awaiting Bankruptcy Hearing
Chrysler headed to court for key bankruptcy hearing finds it will have to wait for it's turn, maybe two months.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2009
Hawaii After Tourists
With tourism in the dumps, Hawaii hotels are offering unprecedented discounts, freebies and other incentives to help draw tourists to the islands, like finding a roasted suckling pig on your pillow.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2009
GM, US Bankruptcy Likely
GM says bondholder offer fails; bankruptcy likely. President says China has refused to loan us anymore money; bankruptcy likely.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2009
Circus Car-Bombing!
In a protest against lower pay and recent layoffs due to the economy, a suicide clown car bombing has killed a circus executive and 29 clowns in Orlando, Florida.
written by Bureau, 27 May 2009
Blow Texas-sized Bubbles
Former US President Bush's new "Dubya-Mint Gum" hits checkout stands. Said to be doing quite well in the Texas market, though many complain the stuff is just too sticky.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 27 May 2009
The "Off-sex Ender"
Dyslexic woman, victim of attempted sexual offense, claims perpetrator kept trying to get her into the "96" position.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 27 May 2009
