Pickled cucumbers "here to stay"
In a ministerial mix-up, gherkins have been given the right to remain in the UK. At an "impromptu garden party", they were consumed lasciviously by Joanna Lumley in front of lame duck PM Gordon Brown.
written by neilwatson, 22 May 2009
Drinking from plastic bottles 'increases exposure to gender-bending chemical'
A survey has found that drinking from plastic bottles could expose you to a gender-bending chemical. "That's total rubbish!" said Graham Norton, "I have always used them and look at me!"
written by IN SEINE, 22 May 2009
"Hung Like A Squirrel"
Man at JFK Airport knocks down two security guards after his "body scan" brought a murmured "Hung like a squirrel" comment.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
Hillary Addresses Graduates
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton tells graduates: Then, just as soon as we took care of snipers in Bosnia, we went to India where I told Mother Teresa, "sit down awhile & let me clean those sores."
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
Goes Around, Comes Around
Report: Recession turning malls into ghost towns, just as malls turned city's downtown stores into ghost town twenty years ago.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
A Big Mac Family
Wisconsin Man has eaten 24,000 Big Macs in 37 years, trying to beat cousin who ate 26,109 before death at 39.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
Biologists Creating Life?
Biologists are on the verge of creating life from non-living matter, reports little humpbacked guy.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
Liquor Sales, Bad Aims
Study finds that half of all liquor advertising aimed at the young. Also, half of young drinkers aim poorly in dispensing of the used alcohol.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
Couple Of Exceptions
Study finds men are attracted to women who look like their fathers. Two of them, both in Nome, Alaska.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
Summer Instructions
Summer is here: Please don't pee in the pool, especially from the high diving board!
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
First Hand Report
Ex-inmate recalls soldiers stacking naked Iraqis and trying to tell them that they were doing it all wrong. Obviously, none of them had ever been a cheerleader.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
There He Is!
Recently fired postal worker, who ran into post office out of the rain to put up his mail, causes three heart attacks.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
Police Into It Again
48-month-old Hispanic man's beating by police caught on film by bystander has whole neighborhood in a frenzy.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
Big-Ass Fight
Ten different people with "Elephantitis of the Ass" fight over last WalMart handicapped parking space.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
Sunbathing tips for blondes
Lying in the sun could make you cleverer and also fight off dementia claim scientists. However, this would only apply if you did not contract melanoma first!
written by IN SEINE, 22 May 2009
Putting on Weight for Fathers to Be
The average father-to-be may put on around one stone in weight in sympathy for his pregnant partner. That means John Prescott's partner is expecting octuplets then?
written by IN SEINE, 22 May 2009
I Got Two, Babe!
Cher celebrated her sixty-third birthday this week as her boobs and cheeks celebrated their second and third.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
Oprah Giving Away More Stuff
Oprah Winfrey, that big-hearted lovable gal, has decided to donate twenty pounds of prime fat to Amy Winehouse.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
Biden"s Tongue Loose Again
VP Joe Biden out on the streets of Washington whispering secret missile launching codes to big-eyed kids again. "That's why we gave him the wrong ones", states Obama.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
Obama Order New GM Vehicles
President Obama orders bankrupt General Motors to begin the manufacturing of clown cars that get 40 MPG, holds family of eighteen.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
Hero Cruise Ship Britons
Hero cruise ship Britons fight off armed Somali pirates with deckchairs and tables and emptying their bowels over the side pirates were climbing.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
It's Getting Serious
Environmental activists slash tyres of 80 gas-guzzlers in pollution protest. Car owners say they will respond by cutting down all trees on their property.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
"Voters Are Jealous"
One more squeak and you're out: Cameron's warning for Tory squire who said voters were 'jealous' of his very large house, penis.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
Witches May Sue
Cameron slaps down Dorries over claims MPs are at risk of suicide from 'McCarthyite witchhunt. Witches to sue for slander.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
October Elections?
Ministers backing October election as PM prepares 'national plan' to get Britain out of depression...recession...SLUMP!
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
What You Gonna Do?
"What should the US do with Guantanamo inmates? What should the US do with Guantanamo inmates? What should the US do with Guantanamo inmates? Early in the morning?"
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
Asshole Not Insulted, Says Drogba
Uefa has charged Chelsea players Didier Drogba and Jose Bosingwa for insulting that asshole referee after their Champions League exit at the hands of Barcelona.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
Voodoo Prostitution
Spanish police have arrested 23 men suspected of trafficking Nigerian women to the country & forcing them into prostitution using voodoo curses. The officer was then turned into the jawbone of an ass.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
Is It Paris Diaz or Cameron Hilton?
The National Requirer is reporting that it has DNA proof that Paris Hilton and Cameron Diaz are (as many people had suspected) actually the same person.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 22 May 2009
Shakira's Hips Definitely Don't Lie
Shakira, is being sued by a 95-year-old man who claims that during one of her concerts, her hips became dislocated during an intense performance striking said gentlemen in his crotch region.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 22 May 2009
California Needs $21 Billion (Yesterday!)
Gov. Schwarzenegger says that California needs to borrow $21 billion or go bankrupt. No problem. Hey Arnie just borrow it from Steven Spielberg, Tom Hanks, and Opie (Ron Howard).
written by Abel Rodriguez, 22 May 2009
The Bacon Strip Eating Camels
Saudi Arabia denies the rumor going around the desert countries that camels who eat bacon strips for breakfast are three times more likely to develop the swine flu.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 22 May 2009
The Uruguayian Air Force
Uruguay announces that due to the continuing economic crisis it is being forced to cutback its air force. They will keep the 1971 F-15 jet, but they will sell the 1968 F-15 jet.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 22 May 2009
Rats Leaving Cells
Families of rats spotted packing up their nests, gathering up their kids and leaving Bernie Madoff's cell yesterday.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
Pickpocket Meets Match
On Madison Avenue in New York City yesterday, a professional contortionist shook hands with a pickpocket aiming for his billfold. He was then turned over to police, while yelling "Freak!".
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
Scouts Close Camp
Local organization of the Boy Scouts of America ordered to close Camp Tentpole up on Brokeback Mountain.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
Ask Uncle Obama
UN seeks $543 million for Pakistan war refugees. Obama hurriedly pulls out US billfold.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
Mars Will Appear "Big As The Moon"
Mars Hoax Circulates: 'Big as the Moon!'once again. This hoax continues as you probably got it last year. Both the US and the Martians say it's all the same old hoax.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
Afghn, US Kill 34 In Drug Raid
Afghan and U.S. forces kill 34 militants in drug raids. Mexico asks both groups to leave but appreciated the help.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
Clinton's Haiti Office Ready
Bill Clinton's new office in Haiti has been officially cleared, chick sacrificed and ready for him to move into.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
Obama's Special Message
President announced yesterday that "The problems of lizards on the planet Xborg is that they're increasing their brain capacity daily," after telepromter hacked.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
US Will Depend On Windmills
Obama OKs nuclear deal with United Arab Emirates because "They will need it later." Has no plans for building power producing plants here.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
Time Finally Has Obama On Cover
Time Magazine has Obama's on cover fot the seventeenth time, to change their name to "Time For Obama". Sales slump.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
Moore's Film Hits Economy
Michael Moore's new documentary targeting economic crisis. Most advise you to save your money, not waste it on further fattening Moore, Moore's bank account.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
Obama Flubs Defense Chief's Name
President Obama claims he did not flub defense chief's name...that his teleprompter flubbed it and he simply read itas the truth.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
Recycling Urine To Water
Drink up: Space station recycling urine to water. Say it would be much easier to change it to beer since several brands already taste like piss.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
Googling For Mates
Lonely man in the wilderness of Alaska spots his ideal mate in Tibet from using google earth.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
China Coughs: West Must Cut Pollution
China says rich nations must cut emissions by 40 percent, or at least it sounded like China. Can't see them through their smog.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
One Republican With Balls
Dick Cheney takes political battle directly to Obama as other republicans wimp out. "Sure he can talk. What's he got to lose, could croak at any time," say whimper wimps.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
On This Date, 1944
On this date in 1944, a huge breakthrough in deciphering German war plans was made when it was discovered the "code" was in German.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2009
