Then It's True! It's All True!
Five Year $20M Study reveals that the average American spends more time waiting in traffic than they spend out walking the dog.
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
JungIl: On The Moon
North Korea's Kim Jung Il says his country now has a missle that can reach the moon, may hold it hostage unless world does as he says.
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
Jonny Wilkinson To Join Toulon
Jonny Wilkinson is leaving Newcastle to play his rugby in Toulon next season. He will clearly relish spending time recuperating from injury in the South of France than chilly Tyneside
written by Seamus Nottrew, 20 May 2009
New Swine Flu Show For Dale Winton
The BBC have announced Dale Winton is to host a new Saturday night national swine flu lottery show, "Bin It To Kill It". Catch it soon.
written by Seamus Nottrew, 20 May 2009
Greenpeace Guy Really Plastered
A very drunk member of Greenpeace was arrested yesterday in Florida for punching out a manatee.
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
Yucca Mountain For Tourists
America now asking tourists to be sure and include nuclear waste filled Yucca Mountain on their agenda, the largest meth lab in the universe!
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
New McCain Interview
John McCain in a new magazine interview admits, "Obama was simply too charismatic. Even Cindy and I voted for him."
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
A Major Gaffe
Man arrested in Manhattan after telling the police: I completely misunderstood that NRA slogan about guns not killing people. Silly me.
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
Four Story Tee Pee
Archaeologists in Utah uncover the first ever Ute Indians four story tee pee ever uncovered. It held swing hammocks as far as forty feet off the ground.
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
Calif. Guv Takes Extreme Measures
California's Governor Schwarzenegger announced today that due to the current economic crisis in California, the world's only Hippy Preserve is being closed.
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
Another Victim In Minnesota
Third victim found dead this year after getting lost in Minnesota's Mall of America. Coroner rules it another extreme case of "Mall de mer".
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
Live Onsite News In Ohio
Onsite news reporter in Ohio says father made son smoke entire marijuana tree he planted in backyard. "Son to be roshed to horse spital, while rest pot burned. They're.hee hee..going wrong way. Shit."
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
Special Jeopardy Week
Just a reminder: This is "Recently Fired Post Office Worker's Week" on Jeopardy as Alex Trebek will be appearing behind bullet-proof glass.
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
Third Leading Cause
U.S. statistics reveal that the third leading cause of death in America after heart disease and cancer is sitting around on your ass all day sending in or reading computer jokes.
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
Big L.A. Roadblock
Helicopter above Los Angeles traffic this morning say traffic was backed up as far as Phoenix, Arizona. Recommended walking the rest of the way.
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
Pelosi: I Was Water Boarded
House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi still denies being at any meetings about treatment of prisoners at Gitmo. "I think they must have water boarded me right afterward so I couldn't remember anything."
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
Infomercial Group Arrested
Infomercial host plus his whole cheering audience arrested immediately after last night's first showing of half hour "Now Is The Time To Purchase Our Swine-Flu Proof Socks!"
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
TV Fans Lost
Several fans of the "Lost" TV epic confused as most recent episode ended with them eating the fat guy.
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
One Loyal Worker
Haitian Zombie Jean Philipe Peltier celebrates his 410th year at the same CPA office.
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
Retired Teacher Unhappy
Retired bachelor school teacher James Drake throws fit at Alaskan post office after mail-order bride arrives in the wrong color, sex.
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
Real Realtor's Headache
Realtor in Spokane, Washington sues architect after braining herself on an exposed beam not listed on house plan.
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
Still On The Pill
In San Francisco, California yesterday, Charles "Chuckie" Landis celebrated his ten years of molestation-free chemical castration!
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
Just One More!
"Just one more margarita plan" goes out the window, followed by all his clothes, shoes, sports trophies, other personal properties.
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
Who Would Have Guessed?
British Government spends £300,000 on three-year study to show ducks like rain, study group had the goods on some influential person in office.
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
East Europeans Leaving
Number of Eastern Europeans leaving Britain doubles as recession deepens. Lawn grass grows high, crap backs up in clogged sewer lines.
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
"Everything Emptying Into White"
Government wants public to paint our houses white to cope with climate change heatwaves. All new cars after 2012 must be white. U.S. football must have artificial white grass with green lines.
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
Whew! Glad That Things Over!
'The recession will be over by Christmas,' claims Darling as IMF praises UK action on economy. World calls for celebration on day after Christmas.
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
Seven Kids In Nine Years
'I've had SEVEN kids since I was 15,' says mother, 24, raking in £24,000 a year in benefits, after slapping reporter for stepping on her tit.
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
Chaos If Conservatives Won?
Brown refuses to give us a snap election 'because it would be chaos if the Conservatives win'..at least for us!
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
DEFRA Waste £300,000 on a Survey: Absolute Quackery
Taxpayers face a £300,000 bill (pardon the pun) to discover which water ducks really prefer. A unamed professor said extensive research shows that they prefer wet water - that'll be £300,000 please!"
written by norma snockers, 20 May 2009
Kim Kardashian To Release New Sex Tape
"It got me such a lovely fan base, really quality dudes"
written by Blanca Brava, 20 May 2009
Doggy in window "subject to superinflation"
Wartime songs are outdated, a top dog-monger told The Spoof: "There's no point in you even asking. Even a waggly tail is no longer fitted as standard. It's an optional extra. Nor do we stock bananas."
written by neilwatson, 20 May 2009
Somali pirates' confederation to split
By one "Aye!", the Confederation of Somali Pirates voted to split into eight pieces, according to UK spokesmen Roger Jolly and Canon R. James Ladd. Custody of the parrot has not yet been established.
written by neilwatson, 20 May 2009
Prince branded "a tool" by Internet
Prince Charles, heir to the Throne, is "a tool" according to a string of websites called The Internet. One branded him: "As useful as a Spam hammer." Another said he was: "A waste of a good crown."
written by neilwatson, 20 May 2009
Fictitious alien infects Facebook
Facebook users' computers are being infected by Doctor Who alien the Face of Boe. The Face, played by musical theatre's John Barrowman, was quick to reassure Facebook users: "You. Are Not. Alone."
written by neilwatson, 20 May 2009
Blears/Brown Confusion
Hazel Blears MP said today that "The PM thinks I'm doing a great job." A furious Gordon Brown said what I actually said was: "I think I'M doing a great job!"
written by norma snockers, 20 May 2009
Blears: "PM thinks I'm doing a great job!"
In a telephone interview, Hazel Blears MP told our reporter that "The PM thinks I'm doing a great job..." It was at this point that the telephone went dead. She was cut off in mid sentence.
written by norma snockers, 20 May 2009
John Paul II Not A Saint Yet
The Council of Cardinals put off declaring Pope John Paul II a saint after secret to card trick miracle revealed.
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
A Sure Cure
Renter at cheap apartments finally gets rid of bed bug infestation, which landlord denied, with flamethrower.
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
Argument Finally Settled
Leading scientist Robert R. Koenig's argument with fellow scientist, Sir Roger Elms over whether the earth is 110 billion years old or 105 billion years old, leads to shouting, spitting & shooting.
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
A Rough Trip Altogether
Pope Benedict XVI apologizes for clergy sex crimes, public black eye, condition of popemobile after running into a sacred cow in India.
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
Phil Spector Give Interview
Phil Spector finally gives a wild-eyed interview with a New York Post reporter, yesterday. He immediately began arguing that homemade sauerkraut is better if you allow it to sit overnight.
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
Ghost Picture Is a Fake!
A BBC photographer just happens to be collecting images for a forthcoming show "Ghosts in the Attic" has actually took a picture of a ghost, reputed to be a scientist Edward Jenner. Coincidence?
written by norma snockers, 20 May 2009
Berlusconi Confronts Judges
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has promised to give a full rebuttal to judges who said his lawyer had lied in court to protect him. Passes new law banning judges while he's in office.
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
Sri Lanka Wondering: What's Next?
Sri Lankan leader Mahinda Rajapaksa has declared the country "liberated" from Tamil Tiger rebels after a 26-year war. "Any suggestions on what we do now?"
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
Just Hold On There!
The beautifully preserved remains of a 47-million-year-old, lemur-like creature that have been unveiled in the US, may only be 46-million-years old claims renegade scientist.
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
HIV Spread Mapped
Scientists who have mapped HIV's spread across Europe say holidaymakers infected abroad by a broad are largely to blame.
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
Unknown Soldier Identified!
The unknown soldier who is buried in Westminster Abbey has name been identified. He cannot be named for legal reasons in his grave is to be moved to an unknown destination which cannot be named.
written by norma snockers, 20 May 2009
Yoga Leader Dies
One of the leading figures in the world yoga community, Sri K Pattabhi Jois, has died at the age of 93, with a solemn, dignified kicking and scratching.
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
Three Quarters of British Children Cannot Boil an Egg
Researchers say that three quarters of British children cannot boil an egg. Ironically, 95% of British MPs do not know how to boil an egg either; even though they have all claimed for egg cups.
written by norma snockers, 20 May 2009
New UK Study
New UK study: Postponing retirement may help delay dementia, house and automobile repossessions.
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
New Mockingbird Study
Study: Mockingbirds can tell people apart, react..sound just like the Wilson's yelling at each other every Saturday night after he comes home drunk.
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
Vick Leaves Prison, Still In Dog House
AP source: Michael Vick leaves prison for home confinement, dog collar alert warning system.
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
1984 Arrives 25 Years Late
Congress eyes tough rules to oversee pensions, investments, that citizens purchase the right cars, married couples to have mutual orgasms.
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
House To Follow Senate Stupidy
House set to pass credit bill after Senate OK that would allow those far behind on payments they've ran up on purchases they couldn't afford more time to pay, by charging those who pay on time.
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
K-Fed & Britney back together?
K-Fed and Britney Spears were spotted together at a night club in Hollywood last night. Ms. Spears denies that they are an item again, she said: "We merely have the same crack dealer."
written by The SSaint, 20 May 2009
Obama, Our Big Brother
The Obama administration, to crack down on abuses, is considering creation of a regulatory commission to protect consumers from abuses of credit card use, home mortgages, free speech & religion.
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
Osama says he isn't scared!
Sources close to Osama bin Laden today revealed that he isn't hiding from the US, he merely has a fear of speaking in public...as well as American Snipers...
written by The SSaint, 20 May 2009
Iran Test-Fires Missile
Ahmadinejad: Iran test-fired advanced missile Wednesday with range of about 1,200 miles, far enough to strike Israel, Europe and U.S. bases in the Middle East. And we're jut stupid enough to try it.
written by Bureau, 20 May 2009
Fake Nude photos of Rihanna!
About 15 fake nude photos of Rihanna was published on various internet sites 2day. Sources close to Chris Brown says he wants to meet the lady in the pictures 'cause in his words: "I wanna tap that!"
written by The SSaint, 20 May 2009
Kraft Foods in Mexico
Kraft Foods announces that it is marketing a new food product in Mexico. It is geared towards the country's extremely poor population and the new product is called "Frijole Helper."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 May 2009
The Beave's Big Brother
Dow Chemical, owned by Tony Dow, of "Leave It To Beaver" fame has been sold to a group from Kuwait. The new owners plan to change the name to Wally Cleaver Chemical.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 May 2009
Limbaugh To Adhere To Doctor's Advice
Rush Limbaugh said that his family doctor has advised him to take it easy. Limbaugh plans to change his name to Saunter Limbaugh.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 May 2009
First Came Hunt's Manwich Original Sloopy Joe Sauce
Caving in to several feminists' organizations, Hunts Foods will soon be selling Hunt's Womanwich Original Sloopy Josette Sauce.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 May 2009
The Peter Pan Peanut Butter Change
Victoria's Secret is purchasing the Peter Pan Peanut Butter Company. They announce that they will be changing the name of the peanut butter to Peter Panties Peanut Butter.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 May 2009
The creeps
According to a survey in Glamour magazine, 80% of women say have been 'creeped' out at work when an older man tried to have sex with them. The other 20% got promotions.
written by norma snockers, 20 May 2009
Hungarian stork left with hefty Bill
A Hungarian stork that had a beak transplant was left with a huge bill today.
written by IN SEINE, 20 May 2009
