The Smuggler With A Surprise In His Crotch
A man was caught trying to smuggle an anaconda into the United States. The New York City customs agent reportedly asked the man, "Is that an anaconda in your pants or are you just happy to see me?"
written by Abel Rodriguez, 15 May 2009
The Infamous Rev. Jeremiah Wright's Latest Thing
The Infamous Rev. Jeremiah Wright has decided to change his name. His new moniker will be Rev. Damn Wright.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 15 May 2009
General Motors Going-Away Gifts
Some of the employees of a General Motors dealership in Michigan were not amused that as a going-away present, they were given a deck of Tarot Cards.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 15 May 2009
Julia "The Sequel" Roberts
Julia Roberts will be starring in a sequel to her 1990 movie, Pretty Woman. The sequel will be named, Pretty Grandma.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 15 May 2009
Madoff The Magician
A prison official has admitted that inmate Bernard Madoff borrowed $100 out of the prison's miscellaneous fund and won $900 on The Kentucky Derby.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 15 May 2009
Will Rihanna's Real Reason Please Stand Up
Rihanna is sporting a brand new tattoo. Her manager says the tattoo reads: "I didn't trip on my six-inch imported Italian stiletto heels as I first said I did...Chris hit me."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 15 May 2009
Joaquin Phoenix - The Rehab Kid
Joaquin Phoenix has entered into rehab. A close friend remarks that it is a total waste because you just cannot fix ignorance.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 15 May 2009
Hubble Sending Back Clear Pics
After the Hubble Telescope sends back really clear pictures of a Florida nudist colony, Houston orders astronauts to quit farting around.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
Swine Flu In NKorea
Victims of the Swine Flu in North Korea being buried in one mass grave up on Pork Chop Hill!
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
Stranded Shark Released
In Florida today, people from Greenpeace released a stranded shark, two legs and an arm into the warm waters of the Gulf of Mexico.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
"Mr. Ozzy's Playhouse"
Today on "Mr. Ozzy's Playhouse", kids learn about solar heat by using magnifying glasses on anthills.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
Positive energy
In a bid to save energy Washington DC is going to be renamed Washington AC. "We are looking forward to the switch" said a spokesman claiming to be "in charge".
written by Midgetgems, 15 May 2009
The Real Real Housewives
Black Entertainment Television (BET) not to be outdone by the Real Housewives from Atlanta, Orange County, or New York City, will soon be presenting "The Real Housewives of Nairobi."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 15 May 2009
The Drug-Sniffing Cat
The San Franciso International Airport hired a drug-sniffing cat. It didn't work out though. It seems that the cat found the drugs all right, but then he buried them.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 15 May 2009
New Hampshire's Lapland
The state of New Hampshire has outlawed lap dances. Violators will have their laps impounded.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 15 May 2009
The Ups and Downs of Barry Manilow's Music
Barry Manilow has bought Clark Gables' Beverly Hills estate. He plans to rename it after his music, "Elevator Music Estates."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 15 May 2009
The Starbucks Change
Starbucks in order to more accurately reflect its menu prices is changing its name to StarSeveralBucks.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 15 May 2009
Joe Biden Takes On A Second Job
Proof that the economic situation affects everyone. Vice President Joe Biden has just taken on a second job as a weekend greeter at one of the local Washington D.C. Wal-Marts.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 15 May 2009
The Hitler Family Name
The Berlin Bureau of Names reported that a Mr. Rumsfeld Hitler recently requested a name change. The reason given was that the name has caused him a lot of grief. His new name will be Bobby Hitler.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 15 May 2009
The Rush Limbaugh Family
Talk Show host Jay Leno is devastated. He says that recent DNA test results show that he is really Rush Limbaugh's biological son.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 15 May 2009
Latest "Figures" From Wall Street
Latest from Wall Street: General Moters is down...Chrysler is down... Silicon tits are way up!
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
Panasonic Posts $4 Billion Loss
Said a spokesperson, "We sent it second class in the hope it might not arrive."
written by Seamus Nottrew, 15 May 2009
It's Rodney Again
Big chunk of Chinese space junk, that barely missed Hubble, lands on Rodney Dangerfield's grave with "I Get No Respect" tombstone.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
Surfer The Consequences
The kangaroo that went to sea saved from the waves by surfer, who is now being sued by Disney for ruining movie scene.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
U-Turn Busy These Days
Jack Straw makes U-turn on plans to hold secret inquests in sensitive cases. Meets Obama making U-turn on Gitmo's mistreatment of prisoners.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
Super Rats Are HERE!!
Coming to a town near you, the new breed of 'super rat' with poison-resistant DNA. Health Authorities recommend you put out haggis.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
"We're Here To Check Your Borrowed Book's Dates"
As major crimes increase, demoralised police are sent on Litter Patrols in bid to hit performance targets. Public warned about due dates on library books, as you're next!
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
Repossessions Up 50%
Repossessions rocket by 50%, as clergy asked to do better follow-ups after exorcisms!
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
Obama Does U Turn
Barack Obama does U-turn on Guantanamo Bay terror trials after spotting three Kenyan half-brothers in several pics.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
No Wonder We're Broke
Council paid drug dealers and addicts hundreds of pounds of taxpayers money for 'to find out about their trade'. Then several paid money back to learn how to get on council.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
From Beautiful Dream To A Nightmare
Teenage soldier had been asleep when the firefight erupted in the mountains of Afghanistan. So he only had time to put on his helmet, body armour and grab his gun. Then put it up and grab his weapon.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
Weekend Washout Nasty
Weekend washout: The weather's about to turn nasty, put on it's raincoat and flash you whenever you go out.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
Postman Sacked
Postmen 'threatened with sack' for refusing to deliver BNP leaflets found at bottom of river.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
Optician Admits Mistake
SHOULDN'T have gone to Specsavers: Toddler blunders into furniture for a month while 80-year-old man sits in crib, after optician switches lenses.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
Who's The Victim Here?
Welcome to binge Britain: Polish photographer documents four years of drunken revelry in Cardiff and drinkers telling Polish joke about photographer in pubs for four years, taking notes, pics.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
Lurker Caught Just Lurking Away
Mystery man caught on CCTV lurking near home of missing chef Claudia Lawrence claims Lawrence stole his Spotted Dick recipe.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
Virgin's Pop Spared
Father who asked prostitute to take 14-year-old son's virginity as a present is spared his own "jail" virginity.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
Didn't Realize It Was Everyone
Bring them to justice! The Mail helps to launch campaign to prosecute sleaze MPs leads every one of them resign.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
One Of Those Days
Pancake that comes out with face of Muhammad on it is quicky flipped but cook's throat had already been slashed.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
Pigs Dig Up WWII Bomb
A herd of pigs today dug up what was believed to be a World War II mortar bomb in a field in Wiltshire. Swine flew.
written by Seamus Nottrew, 15 May 2009
Lowton Still Working On Backlog
Mark Lowton says he is still working on that backlog. May have to try regular daily doses of MiraLax.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
Pelosi Really Puckered
Nancy Pelosi, trying desperately to kiss President Barack Obama's ass, nearly chokes to death on swallowed fart.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
Dick Cheney: May Send Uncle
Dick Cheney on Oprah tells anyone that tries to connect him to any prisoner mistreatment, will be paid a visit by his Uncle, Lon Cheney Jr, during the next full moon.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
Mark Your 2015 Calendars
Hollywood: In Rambo VI, Rambo, on walker, leads a group of American seniors safely into Mexico to purchase cheaper prescription drugs.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
Check That Business Channel
Study: Wall Street's constant ups and downs making the Business Channel kind of sexy.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
Now They Tell Us!
Bird flu may not have become the threat to humans that some predicted because our noses are too cold for the virus to thrive, UK researchers say. Warn that noses should not be covered with masks.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
Saberi Leaves Iran
Freed reporter Saberi leaves Iran. Will stop in Austria to get tar, feathers removed.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
Fraud, Not Frog
Nigeria MP panel in frog charge. I guess they've been licking frogs again. I'm sorry. Nigerian MP panel in FRAUD charge.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
Google Apologizes
Google apologised for what it called a "traffic jam" that resulted in slow service or even interruption on the internet search......giant's......main.......page.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
Global Sea Levels Predictions Updated
The collapse of major polar ice sheet will not raise global sea levels as much as previous projections suggest, a team of scientists has calculated. But you'll still be able to fish from Trump Tower.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
Dalai Lama Given OK For Visit
South Africa's government has made a U-turn over its decision in March to deny the Dalai Lama a visa after dead followers, who came back as animals, run amok.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
Malik Steps Down
Labour MP Shahid Malik has stepped down into a pile of dogpoop, as justice minister, pending an inquiry into claims about his expenses made in the Daily Telegraph newspaper.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
Thousand Flee Fighting
Report: Thousands are fleeing Pakistan fighting into neighboring Afghanistan, Iraqi fighting.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
Obama Spending Rage Continues
Obama wants to pump $475M into Great Lakes, Washington Dirty Laundry, cleanup...$210M into (Throws a dart at chart).
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
Methinks: Pelosi Protests Too Much
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi claims CIA lied to her. "I didn't even know those towers were knocked down! Fell and was in a walking coma for weeks."
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
Tribunals To Return
Gitmo Tribunals to return, detainees to have more rights, including to wear clothes for photographs.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
More Swine Flu
Another swine flu outbreak in NYC closes 3 schools, makes Yankees lose another game.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
GOP Accuse Pelosi
GOP Senator calls Pelosi accusation attack on CIA, USA, apple pie, baseball and hotdogs.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
Pope Optimistically Hopeful
At end of Mideast trip, pope says peace possible and could well happen, maybe, sometimes in future..probably.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2009
Katie and Peter - The Split
After doubling their viewing figures for the couple's less than interesting documentary series ITV2 ask, where did it all go right?
written by Seamus Nottrew, 15 May 2009
Craigslits gets the hits
New Internet site craigslits.com reporting mega-traffic and exponential subscription increases after Craigslist decides to drop "erotic" services.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 15 May 2009
Slumdog Monopoly
The classic boardgame gets a modern twist. New "Chance" card reads, "Congratulations! You've just won 8 Oscars!" at which point you lose; communities are leveled and all properties returned to bank.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 15 May 2009
CORRECTION: Hilton
Article printed by The Garlic Press last week contained passage stating "Paris Hilton is a real bitch." Was supposed to read "Perez Hilton is a real bitch." We apologize for the error.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 15 May 2009
Swine Flu Hits "Pop" Charts
In light of recent swine flu epidemic, rock band Primus orders recall on "Pork Soda" CD's back to 1993. Warns fans that, keep listening and "[Your] Name Is Mudd."
written by The San Francisco Onion, 15 May 2009
Sarah Palin, Carrie Prejean sign movie deal
Will remake "Where the Heart Is." Prejean plays Novalee Nation, 17, abandoned by boyfriend. She moves into a Wall Mart, gives birth there, becomes media darling, is taken in by Sister Husband (Palin).
written by The San Francisco Onion, 15 May 2009
"Nobody asked me what I thought..."
The Almighty, Omnipotent Creator says he thought Miss California's breasts were "just fine the way I made them." Personally, I think she could use a little more junk in the trunk, too.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 15 May 2009
Arsenal to let Ade go
Arsenal are considering letting striker Adebayor join arch rivals, Chelsea in return for 5 Pukka pies and a shopping trip with John Terry's Mum. Arsenal fans think it's a good deal.
written by Ricardo Fromage, 15 May 2009
