GM, Chrysler To Cut Dealers
General Motors, Chrysler say they will cut up to 3,000 dealers, sources say Tuesday. "There's no place for drug dealers on our lots", says spokesman. "If they do, we'll cut them up!"
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
BBC under fire for failing to axe award-worthy show
Britain's biggest broadcaster has failed to axe comedy drama "Being Human" before the show is nominated for a single award. The Corporation's strict policy of axing worthy shows is called "Pulling".
written by neilwatson, 13 May 2009
"I Reckon That's What I Done, Umm-Hmm!"
Mass murderer confesses to filing ceiling fan blades extra sharp and inviting guests see how new trampoline worked.
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
Stuck Up President!
Kentucky congressman Jim Bunning sent home today after continuing to tell everyone that President Eisenhower won't return his calls!
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
NYC Vendor Arrested
New York City Vendor arrested after continued yelling, "Hot Dogs Two Bucks!! Foot-long weiner for free!! Up For Grabs!!"
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
Al Gore Got Computer Virus
Former Vice President Al Gore has become the first human being to catch a computer virus, which wipes out his memory banks, drawers.
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
Dough Boy Sued By Pillsbury!
Dough Boy sued by Pillsbury Company after learning that he wasn't even born during the first World War!
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
Dough Boy In Lawsuit
The Pillsbury Dough Boy admitted he was involved in a paternity suit with Mrs. Butterworth.
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
Joe Plumber Hospitalized
Joe the Plumber hospitalized after accidentally gluing his chin to his forehead.
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
Bearly Made It
Frightened bear on unicycle crossing the high wire overhead shits all over the front row of people at circus in Florida.
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
Pizza Employee Fired, Fired Up
A Dominoes Pizza employee has been fired after delivery to non-tipping customer earns him a free knuckle sandwich.
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
Dylexic Munitions Expert
Dyslexic munitions expert blows up band new sports stadium instead of the old one across the street.
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
BNP to Adopt 'White Bull' As Emblem!
Because the bull in the Cravendale milk advertisements were not deemed to be racist, the BNP have decided to adopt the 'white bull' as its emblem in the forthcoming elections.
written by norma snockers, 13 May 2009
'Haunted' Hotel Room Catches Fire - Again!
A room at a 17th-century hotel caught fire today. It is believed to be haunted by a former landlady who died in a blaze 300 years ago. Firemen say that the ghost must have sat on a lighted candle.
written by norma snockers, 13 May 2009
Limbaugh In 2012
Thousands of Rush Limbaugh fans call in urging him to run for the presidency in 2012 by creating a turd party!
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
Now It's Crap Circles
Mysterious crap circle near farmer's barn explained by letter from boyscout leader just back from field outing.
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
It's This Global Warming
Latest from Al Gore: Not only are polar bears being seen floating on ice floe, Abominable Snowmen spotted wearing thongs.
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
New Palestinian Clubs
New Palestinian night clubs are opening, hiring dancers all up and down the Gaza Strip!
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
Protest NBA Violence
Public outcry over violence in recent National Basketball Play-Offs as Shaq accidentally slam dunk's opposing players head.
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
New Drug Breakthough
Drug company salesman announces breakthrough drug for depression, something called, "Ecstasy".
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
Wearing Hog's Face
A representative for the World Health Organization shows up for interview with hog's face. After being told it wasn't funny, he replies that he's had steroid shots for neck injury.
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
Hole-In-One!
Eighty-three-year old South Carolina man credits Viagra for hitting a hole in one!
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
Asteroid May Hit
Astronomers say two mile wide asteroid is given a slight chance to hit the earth on May....UH-OH!
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
The First Lie Detecting Home Computer
Bill Gates has just invented a computer microchip that forces the computer user to tell the truth. George W. Bush reportedly said that he is going back to using his old Smith-Corona Typewriter.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 13 May 2009
Republican States Are 'Red' - Democratic States Are 'Blue'
A restaurant in the 'blue state' of Illinois has been fined $2,000 for selling 'Buffalo Right Wings.'
written by Abel Rodriguez, 13 May 2009
Bob Barker's New Game Show
Bob Barker, 85, said that he missed hosting "The Price Is Right" so much that CBS has agreed to give him a new spin-off show, "The Price Is Wrong."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 13 May 2009
eBay - The Missiles Section
Reports coming out of North Korea are saying that Kim Jong Il is saving up to buy a missile on eBay.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 13 May 2009
The Limbaugh/Gingrich Spotlight
Newt Gingrich is angry that Rush Limbaugh has stolen his GOP spotlight. He says that he is seriously considering becoming a Democrat.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 13 May 2009
Prince Harry To Visit NYC
London: Prince Harry to visit New York City. Will tour city on low-flying 747, land in Hudson River.
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
Dems Eye New Taxes
Democrats eye new taxes on smokes, beer, soda, chips, buffalo wings, tater tots, water and air.
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
Obama Changes Mind
White House reverses position on detainee photographs, will object because of national security, naked Nancy Pelosi on top of prisoner pyramid.
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
Confused Pope
Confused Pope Benedict XVI in Bethlehem endorses plans for a Pedestrian homeland.
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
Chuckle Brothers "funnier than French & Saunders" admits BAFTA
French & Saunders "should give back" Lifetime Achievement Award, Academy insider confesses. "Barely altered pale pastiches of inimitable film and television moments? Rubbish. 'To me, to you'? Genius!"
written by neilwatson, 13 May 2009
TV makeover diva to transform prehistoric monument
"Naked" television presenter Gok Wan is being given a blank canvas to make Stonehenge more contemporary. Insiders say Wan was chosen because his name is shorter than Susannah Constantinued on page 12.
written by neilwatson, 13 May 2009
Culture secretary "terrified of Santana"
After joining Feargal Sharkey on guitar in workmanlike performance of Undertones 1970s hit Teenage Kicks in Liverpool, culture secretary Andy Burnham admits to phobia of bumping into Carlos Santana.
written by neilwatson, 13 May 2009
You can't be too careful these days!
A woman who teaches healthy eating to children was warned that her son is at risk of diabetes or cancer because he is 1lb overweight. "How dare they!" she fumed "I'll slap them with a limp lettuce."
written by IN SEINE, 13 May 2009
The world's fastest electric bicycle is to go on sale in Britain
At 20 mph, A2B is the world's fastest electric bicycle and will soon be on sale in Britain. Conservative leader, David Cameron MP, is going to buy one if his expenses will allow him to do so.
written by IN SEINE, 13 May 2009
WWJW?
A sculpture of Jesus Christ wearing jeans has been unveiled. There is mass debate as to what make of jeans he would wear; some would say they are 'Levites' but others would say he wore ' Wranglers '.
written by IN SEINE, 13 May 2009
The great Belgian brassica boost!
The city Ghent in Belgium is to go vegetarian at least once a week. Belgian butchers are up in arms because they say that their sales will be badly affected."The steaks are just too high!" They added.
written by IN SEINE, 13 May 2009
On This Day In 1956
On this day in 1956, Revolutionary "Che" Guevara of Cuba invented the first Photograph Tee-Shirt!
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
Also Sets Sniffing Dogs To Barking
Man who tried to sneak $50,000 in cocaine into US in a fake nutsack gives himself away with Mickey Mouse sounding voice.
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
Saving Social Security
In a desperate move to help save Social Security yesterday, President Obama ordered all Americans to begin celebrating their birthdays every 18 months.
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
New Country Off To Good Start
Small businesses begin to pop up all over the new independent country of Lemonaidstan.
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
Crop Circles Explained
US, British Military explain away crop circles as the work of the little, almost invisible, "Crop circle beetle!"
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
Watch Those Allergies
Seven-year-old nearly dies from peanut allergy after watching, "You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown!"
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
M&M's Refuse To Melt In Hand
Al Gore on tour to teach school children: "See these M&M's in my hand? Now watch as I close my hand......Never mind. Do we have any skittles?"
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
Economy On The Mend
Darling's forecast shattered as Bank of England warns economy will shrink by 4.5% this year but should improve by 2022.
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
Convicted Rapist Freed
Convicted rapist is freed from jail because his trial 'took too long'. Rapist, Judge, Attorneys, Jury now already into their seventies.
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
Hero Father Floors Armed Raider
How dare you point a gun at me! Hero father wrestles armed raider to floor, makes him cry "Uncle!" Do "I'm A Little Teapot Song."
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
New Tests For Prostate Problems
Scientists have found a potential new way to assess whether prostate cancer is aggressive. Proctologist can see if middle finger is attacked.
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
Coral Region In Danger
The world's most important coral region is in danger of being wiped out by the end of this century unless fast action is taken, says a new report. On the other hand, we'll all be dead by then, anyway.
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
Social Security Running Out Of Mony
The US social security and Medicare system, which provide pensions and health care for older people, is set to run out of money sooner than expected. Fed: "Your present month's check is it."
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
Men's Immune System Lower
Men really do have an excuse for being wimpy about coughs and colds as their immune systems are not as strong as those of women. "Call the boss, will you Hon? I get a bone in my leg!"
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
Safety Board Issues Statement
Safety board probes pilots' hiring, training. Issues statement: Rivers are not the first choice for emergency landing, especially deep ones. Should look for nearest airport first.
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
NKorea Producing Plutonium?
Report: No proof yet North Korea is producing plutonium, outside of scientists glowing in the dark, Kim Jung Il brain now the size of a walnut.
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
Pope Endorses Palestinian Homeland
Pope Benedict XVI in Bethlehem endorses Palestinian homeland, "but please, nowhere near Italy."
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
Overseas Votes Uncounted
Report: One-fourth of overseas votes go uncounted. Nader demands a 2008 recount.
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
John Terry to change name
The Chelsea captain, John Terry, who is paid several million pounds a week despite contributing nothing to the betterment of society is to change his name to Isaac Hunt with immediate effect.
written by Ricardo Fromage, 13 May 2009
MP Pulls Up The Drawbridge Over Moat Claim
Douglas Hogg MP has refused to discuss his 'moat' expense claim further, saying he has swine flu.
written by Seamus Nottrew, 13 May 2009
Palestinian National Anthem
Palestinians say that if they get their own country, their national anthem will be, "We Will, We Will, Rock You!"
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
Wafflers Join Forces
John Kerry and John McCain go together to start new business, "Two-Johns Bi-Partisan Waffle House"
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
The Latest Fashions
At this year's Spring Fashion Show in NYC, heels, pants are down another half inch.
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
Burglars Take Kitty
The only thing burglars in Buffalo, New York take in house break-in is the family kitty, over $1200 in a piggy bank.
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
Swedish Killer Arrested
Arrested Swedish kidnapper, killer says he swears that he thought super models could fly!
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
Kerry Makes Record Books
John Kerry may not have won the presidency but now he's in the Guinness Book of Records, for officially being the first to have a longer head than Man Of War.
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
McCain Embarrassed
John McCain embarrassed after latest body exchange by U.S. and Vietnam as it included his penis floating in a jar.
written by Bureau, 13 May 2009
