Copycat crashes BART train in San Francisco
Virtual replay of recent D.C. Metro collision. Experts say media coverage of crimes/tragedies may lead some people to emulate what they see... On second thought, forget you even saw this snippet.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 June 2009
Ed McMahon! Ed Mcmahon!
Ed McMahon becomes rallying cry for magazine protesters that have bought billions of dollars of unread magazines trying to win American Publishers Sweepstakes.
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
US Makes Apologies
The US Senate has officially apologized for slavery, Atomic bombs on Japan, Richard Simmons, Jonestown disaster, Nixon, Detroit Lions and being so fat.
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
Twilight Fixation Not True
Media is criticized for fixation with the Twilight movies & novels. "Not true", says lady on street. "No one I know could care less about the Cullens, well maybe Edward, but you see it's this way.."
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
Porkchop Hill Renamed
South Korea decides to rename "Porkchop Hill" because of the bad karma, renaming the area Mount Pleasant.
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
New PETA Director
New director for PETA to get rough on those killing animals on the endangered species list. "I'll cut off their danglers and make them into sausage", says Director.
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
"Will U Mary MEE?" Will Not Come Off
With an advanced high energy long-range laser burner, a man has proposed to his girlfriend by permanently writing on the moon. The marriage lasted 2 days. Now everyone will have to see it forever.
written by Nik Voelz, 24 June 2009
New Woody Allen Movie
Woody Allen to make a new film In Italy. It'll be a sicko about an old man marrying his adopted daughter.
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
New Orleans Not Ready
Core of Engineers says New Orleans still is not ready for a big storm, even after three years of major duct-taping.
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
Moscow Ranked #1
Moscow ranked as world's most expensive city although visiting Baghdad could cost you an arm and a leg!
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
Iran Police Dispurse Protesters
Protesters in Iran who were wearing purses, had their purses taken away by Iranian Police. Said police, "We had to dispurse the crowd. We confiscated several Coach, Gucci, and Louis Voitton"
written by Nik Voelz, 24 June 2009
The Bin Laden Insult
Muslim policeman sues force after 'boss said he looked like bin Laden'. Admits to saying boss looks like Yasser Arafat.
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
Cowell, Green Bigger Than Disney
Simon Cowell and Sir Philip Green agree billion-pound deal to create TV company 'bigger than Disney', maybe even 'bigger than Bernie Madoff'
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
Hollywood Call Girls
The most expensive call girls in the world: Hollywood madam admits supplying £30k-a-night prostitutes to celebrities. "But they're never the same afterward."
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
Britain To Sink Deeper
Britain to sink deeper into red than any other major economy, say those escaping with bulging bags at Heathrow Airport.
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
Mervyn King More Concerned
Bank boss Mervyn King 'more uncertain now than ever' about UK economy. Predicts that he'll be even more concerned by next week because "I can't sleep."
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
Twins On Trial
Identical twins BOTH go on trial for assault because victim can't identify which one hit him. Victim, who admits to being drunk at the time, says it was definitely one of the four.
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
Burnt Tree Gets Cremated Against His Wishes
One surviving family member of the tree said, "His wishes were for his body to be petrified, but all that's left after the fire are these ashes. At least he didn't go like his decapitated uncle."
written by Nik Voelz, 24 June 2009
Planting Flowers Damage Car Park
Gardener who spruced up council car park for free faces legal action for criminal damage. Told prison needs a bit of tender love and care.
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
My Thumb! Billy Goose! Billy Goose!
BBC Trust calls for ban on swearing before 10pm in wake of Ross and Brand scandal. So be careful with that hammer.
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
More Travelers Convicted
Conviction of traveler family reduces crime rate in a county to 20-year low in 1989, the last time they were convicted.
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
Duck Guns Down Walrus
When asked why he did it the duck said, "It's just a respect thing. What...do you think I'm some quack?" Commented walrus family, "I hope he never gets fed a single bread crumb as long as he lives!"
written by Nik Voelz, 24 June 2009
Sailor Loses Hat In Ocean
Officials arranged a search party to locate the sailor's hat, which had blown off some where in the Atlantic or Indian Oceans. Said sailor, "No, it wasn't a special hat, I just liked the attention."
written by Nik Voelz, 24 June 2009
Giraffe Balls Rejected
Giraffe balls rejected by Chinese as an aphrodisiac because of it not being on endangered species list. Still some say their dohicky has a longer neck!
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
The National Gumball Survey Results Are In
The Products Survey Commission found the most popular color of gumballs in San Francisco is pink. The most popular color in Cody, Wyoming is white, and the most popular color in Harlem is black.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 June 2009
Hillary Still Unhappy
Hilary Clinton still has that hateful look on her face even though she was named Secretary of State. "That woman wouldn't be happy if you shit in her beans", observed Michelle's mother.
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt (A-Bra?)
Brad Pitt and ex-wife Jennifer Aniston have been spotted in Las Vegas, Malibu Beach, Cancun, and Cleveland. Aniston says that it is all nothing more than a friggin' tabloid coincidence.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 June 2009
Man Finds Stick In Woods
"It was so cool. There I was, walking in the woods and all of a sudden I see this stick on the ground. It's like it was waiting there just for me. Now I can do all sorts of cool stuff with it."
written by Nik Voelz, 24 June 2009
Is It Paraguay or Uruguay?
The South American countries of Paraguay and Uruguay are clashing over which country gets to keep using the 'guay' in their name.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 June 2009
Obama Man Of The Year!
Time Magazine has named Barack Obama "Man of the Year" after only 6 months. "He's already been on our cover 17 times."
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
Florida's Senior Citizens' Nude Beach Closes
The nation's first and only nude beach for senior citizens has closed down. The manager of the Clearwater Skin Beach said that the 'finger pointing' just got a little bit out of hand.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 June 2009
Two Big Parcel Companies Merge
FedEx and UPS have merged to become, "FedUp"
written by Nik Voelz, 24 June 2009
Governor Sarah Palin Recieves A Type of "Bush" Award
The Globalization Political Movement has named Governor Sarah Palin as this year's recipient of its "Politician With The Best Beating About The Bush Political Technique of Speaking."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 June 2009
Losing Most Of Her Friends
Boogertown woman says she tired of this "Friendship Bread" crap! "You gotta keep making bread and feeding dough & I hate it's guts! The batch I left on Karen's doorstep got hot & blew up in her face!"
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
And We Thought That Dan Quayle Was An Embarrassment
The Republican Research and Survey Agency has awarded its "Dan Quayle Okay You Can Shut The "F" Up Now" Award to none other than Dick "The Dickster" Cheney.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 June 2009
The World's Most Phenomenal Computer
HP Computers has just manufactured a new computer that has so many gigabytes that it can hold up to 17 million MP3 songs, (or) 300 photos of Wynonna Judd, Kirstie Alley, and Oprah Winfrey.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 June 2009
NHL To Introduce Clumped Cat Litter Pucks
Said one player, "Yeah, when you add the element of projectile cat feces, it really adds even more excitement to the game."
written by Nik Voelz, 24 June 2009
"Dickster" Cheney's Approval Rating Is Off The Chart
Ex-Vice President Dick Cheney's approval rating since leaving office has gone from a plus 3% to a minus 7%. He blames Obama, Oprah, Land O'Lakes Butter, and Ohio. But not Bill O'Reilly.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 June 2009
Coming Soon To A Theater Near You, Brobama's Movie
MGM has just purchased the movie rights to the animated film titled, Brobama And The Late Great White House Fly. The film will be rated PG-13 with some adult fly-type humor and zipper fly references.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 June 2009
Where Is George "Can Y'all Hear Me Back Yonder" Bush?
The Cross Your "T's" and Dot Your "I's" Association has named President George Bush as its recipient of "The Number One Doublespeaker of The Century Award."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 June 2009
Mr. T. Weds
The former wrestler and television star, Mr. T, has announced that he and some fool woman are getting married this weekend.
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
Oversight Committee Stumbles
Members of the US Senate and House of Representatives Oversight Committee admit that they weren't looking where they were going and stumbled over a big stack of money.
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
Gorilla Delivers Message
Hand-signing gorilla reports that most elephants are asking for the removal of their pics as part of the Republican Party.
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
Teenager to Become World's Smallest Man
Khagendra Thapa Magar, 17 3/4, who is 18 in October, is just two feet tall. When asked; "What he wants to be when he grows up?" His reply was; "I want to be the world's smallest man!"
written by IN SEINE, 24 June 2009
IRS Audits IRS
Internal audit of the Internal Revenue Service reveals that all their people have been 100% truthful and above-board.
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
Moderate Muslims Speak
Islamic "moderates" have announced that they can accept the existence of Israel. Propose moving of entire nation, including all Jewish Holy Places, to upper New York state.
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
Mormon Leader May Retire
Mormon leader of NOM, Orson Scott Card, who appears to advocate the overthrow of US government "by whatever means necessary," now says he may retire to spend more time with his families.
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
Bush Kept Tapes Also
After still more Nixon tapes were released yesterday, former President George Bush admitted he and his cabinet kept tapes and recordings also and that they are stored under Yucca Mountain.
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
Council 'Green' with Envy at Retired Florist
A Council has threatened a retired florist with court action if she does not remove flowers she has planted in a car park. "They're only jealous - it's a better job than they could do!" she said.
written by IN SEINE, 24 June 2009
New Mexico Woman Has 334 Rabbits in Her Garden
A New Mexico woman woke up this morning to find no less than 334 in her garden. She said; "There were only two of them there last week, I do wonder how many will be there tomorrow?"
written by IN SEINE, 24 June 2009
Glitch Wipes Out High Scores
Computer glitch wipes out over 1,500,000 computer games as calls with complaints from high scorers disrupt nation's phone lines.
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
Obama Overrules Bush
President Obama has removed former president Bush's penalty for using cell phones in telephone booths.
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
CIA Admits Some Mistakes
CIA declassifies files on illegal wiretapping, kidnappings, assassinations, adding one star rating to Spoof writings.
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
Wallace & Gromit to Take Bite at Apple
Bristol-based Inventors, Wallace & Gromit are to sue the makers of the iPhone, Apple, because they have used one of their patented inventions. 'Bath-o-Matic' was originally their invention they claim.
written by IN SEINE, 24 June 2009
Abercrombie & Fitch Sued
A woman claims clothing firm Abercrombie & Fitch made her work in the stockroom because her prosthetic arm did not fit the shop's image. "Abercrombie is a sweetie but Fitch is a, well, Fitch."
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
Use Right Ear?
If you want to get someone to do something, ask them in their right ear, say scientists. Then blow in it.
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
Perez Hilton Files Seven Lawsuits
Perez Hilton is so upset about getting punched in the eye he says he's suing The Black Eyed Peas, Fergie, Will i. am, Polo Molina, The Cobra Club, The city of Toronto, and The Toronto Blue Jays.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 June 2009
Get Off Bottom
The Organisation for Economic Cooperation and Development says the world economy is near the bottom of the worst recession in post-war history. Time to get off bottoms and get back to work.
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
The Power of Television Hairdos
Jon and Kate Plus 8's Kate Gosselin says millions of American women are going into beauty salons and asking for The Kate Plus 8 look. And she adds that it's not just in West Virginia either.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 June 2009
Berlusconi Paid Prostitutes?
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has denied allegations he paid prostitutes who attended parties at his official residencies. "That's what flunky staff members are for."
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
The Novel Idea of Broadcasting Comedy Shows From Dangerous Places
Taking a cue from Stephen Colbert who is broadcasting his show from war torn Iraq, Jon Stewart reveals that next week he will broadcast his show from Detroit.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 June 2009
Allegations Of Abuse
Allegations of abuse and neglect at a US detention facility in Afghanistan have been uncovered by the BBC. Former detainees have alleged they were forced to listen to Richard Simmons voice for hours.
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
Jon and Kate Plus 8 To Divorce
The latest edition of Jon and Kate Plus 8 in which they announced they will be separating drew the highest cable audience of the year. A total of 30 million viewers, including 20 million Koreans.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 June 2009
President Obama's Two Anti-Laws
President Obama signs an anti-tobacco law. Vice-President Biden says that next the president will be introducing an anti-tattoo law.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 June 2009
SC Guv Returns
SC governor set to return from unexplained absence. Says all he can remember is big-headed creatures and several probes.
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
Perez "Mr./Miss Euphemism" Hilton Apologizes
Website blogger Perez Hilton has apologized for calling Will i. am a faggot. Hilton is now saying that he meant to call Will i. am a queer.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 June 2009
Iran Won't Give In
Iran's Supreme Leader announced today that the government will not give in to pressure over "our nation's crooked presidential election."
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
Andres Acting Depressed
Andres weakens to tropical storm, back out to sea, meteorologists say he may be headed for deep depression over not making any impact.
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
US Embassadors To Syria
U.S. to send ambassador to Syria after 4 years. Why we're to wait for four years is not explained.
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
Prison Rapes Up, Despite Salt Peter In Food
States could lose money over prison rapes. Feds explain they're already losing a lot of money on hemorrhoid creams.
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
Bunnies, Bunnies, Bunnies
Police say 334 bunnies found in NM woman's yard. "I don't know what happened", lady tells police. "There were only two pair a month ago. But look at them out there now, humping away."
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
Automatic Train Controls Expected
Investigators to test automated DC train controls. Some survivors say insurance companies already after them to sign release.
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
Keeping In Shape
13 Taliban kill other Taliban in southern Afghanistan. Part of their "toughening up" process say leaders.
written by Bureau, 24 June 2009
Tarzan and Jane to divorce
The world's most famous jungle celebrities are set to divorce. Jane is claiming unreasonable behaviour after catching him groping a gorilla. Cheetah the chimpanzee just laughed his head off.
written by IN SEINE, 24 June 2009
iPhone Allows You to Run a Bath
Apple, the makers of iphone have developed software which allows you to run a bath before you get home. There is a slight glitch in that not many people have baths anymore - just showers.
written by IN SEINE, 24 June 2009
Church of Environmentalogy Develops a Schism
The members have split over barbequing the San Francisco Marsh Mouse for Sunday's pot luck dinner or having a Stickleback Fish Fry. A proposed compromise is a Polar Bear steak and beer party.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 24 June 2009
