Ex-head spook shocked to learn MI5 buggered people
"Normally we outsource all that kind of malarkey to Greenpiss!"
written by queen mudder, 20 June 2009
How low can you go?
Sir Richard Branson, not content with being beaten by Bertrand Picard, the son of deep sea diver, Jacques Picard in a balloon race, is to explore the ocean depths, by going lower than the Frenchman.
written by norma snockers, 20 June 2009
Divorce causing problems with revised reality show name
Producers can't decided whether to call it "John and Kate Seperate" or "John and Kate Split Eight". Only the custody hearing will solve this situation!
written by unknown
Mennonite Terrorists Abandon Plans
Mennonites in Pennsylvania say that horse-drawn carriages simply cannot carry a nuclear missile with a warhead so they give up on taking over the US, Canada.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2009
Pirates Come To Rescue
Disney Cruise "Pirates of the Caribbean" safely fend off attack by pirates of the Somalis.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2009
Saudis Accuse US
Saudis Arabia tells the United States that if they didn't want them to support terrorist organizations, they should stop sending them all that oil money.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2009
Simon Cowell Admits to Handling Susan Boyle Wrongly
Simon Cowell has admitted to handling Susan Boyle wrongly during the latest series of "Britain's got talent!" exactly how he handled her, is not known, but we do know he has feelings for her.
written by norma snockers, 20 June 2009
Old Guy Won't Use John
Visiting great great grandfather from the sicks refuses to use indoor commode. "That's not sanitary having a shithouse close to the bedroom."
written by Bureau, 20 June 2009
WMD's Behind Fake Mountain
Weapons of mass destruction discovered when fake mountain prop accidentally knocked over in Iraq. "NOW they find the", states Bush In Texas.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2009
The Plan To Close Down Central Park
In a move to help put unemployed Vietnamese-Americans back to work, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has decided to close down Central Park and replace it with pedicure and manicure shops.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 June 2009
Michelle aka The Sleeveless First Mama
Michelle "The Sleeveless First Mama" Obama has agreed to appear in a deodorant commercial for Lady Speed Stick. She will donate the entire $2 million fee to The United States Treasury.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 June 2009
Camels - One Or Two Humped?
Al-Qaeda terrorists are taking one-humped camels and fitting them with a second 'fake' hump which they use to stash explosives in.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 June 2009
Broadway Joe Wants To Come Out of Retirement
Joe Namath who just turned 66, this past May has said that he wants to come out of retirement and play for a green team, either the Green Bay Packers, The New York Jets, or The Philadelphia Eagles.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 June 2009
Manny Working It At Mickey D's
Suspended Los Angeles Dodger superstar Manny Ramirez is working at a local Calexico, California McDonalds. He has been hired to walk around autographing Happy Meal boxes and Big Mac buns.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 June 2009
The State of California Supercedes The Baseball Commissioner
The state of California embarrassed because of the Manny Ramirez steroid mess passes a law stating that baseball players will not be penalized in any way, shape, or form for taking steroids.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 June 2009
Schwarzenegger Blocks Disaster
Twenty-five foot tsunami hits California coast, Governor Schwarzenegger, knocked back out to sea.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2009
Better Safe Than Sorry
President Obama sends Hillary Clinton, VP Biden on flyover to see if North Korea really serious about launching missil towards Hawaii.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2009
Man Pays For Splurge
Customer who spilled Starbucks most-expensive coffee all over floor apparently went into bathroom and slashed his wrists.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2009
Elephants Killed For Tusks
PETA, Greenpeace and environmental experts say that most of illegal killing of elephants for tusks are coming from the Ivory Coast.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2009
Hardees Becoming Healthier.
Hardee's strives to reduce trans fats in French Fries, the surface of their eating tables, chairs, floors, counters, light fixtures, customer's clothing.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2009
Numbers Really Down
House sales, number of newly created jobs, Cher's rear end, Joan River's breasts sink to an all-time low.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2009
Wife Supports Husband
Neighborhood Flasher husband, wife wear matching "Old Flashers Never Die, They Just Pop Out!" t-shirts at case hearing.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2009
Madoff Still At It
Police officers at prison cell where Bernie Madoff say that he has already conned the other inmates out of 16 shivs, 3,000 packs of cigarettes.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2009
Still, Everybody's OK!
A plane carrying California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has made an emergency landing in Los Angeles because of smoke in the cockpit, wings falling off.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2009
Brown "Could Walk Away"
Gordon Brown has admitted recent events have been among the worst in his political life and made him think he could "walk away from this tomorrow", as many agree, lend support.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2009
Swine Flu Increasing Steadily
US swine flu cases now exceed 21,000; 87 deaths. The reason you don't see this on The Evening News is that it is too busy covering the President's latest fart.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2009
Obama's Hopes For Americans
President Obama wants men to be better fathers than his own, also better mother-in-laws that will at least leave their daughter's side after at least 20 years
written by Bureau, 20 June 2009
Meet Somewhere Else
US, regional powers may meet on North Korea next month but Kim Jung Il says "You're not meeting here!"
written by Bureau, 20 June 2009
Consumer Protections Essential!
President Obama: New consumer protections 'essential', especially against all these government takeovers.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2009
New Airline Charges
As if charging $15 to check a bag weren't enough, two airlines are asking for $5 more if you pay at the check-in counter & $1 a cough that might frighten other passengers about the Swine Flu.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2009
Drugs Is Drugs
Emerging $80B deal would help fund Medicare drugs including xanax or valium ,but only $50,000 would make a whole lot of meth.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2009
Iran's Ordered Off Street
Iran's government threatened harsh action Saturday if opposition supporters take to the streets again to demand a new election in open defiance of the country's supreme & most worshipful Nutjob.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2009
World's Oldest Man Tipped for a Knighthood
The rush is on to honour Henry Allingham, who is the world's oldest man. At 113, Henry is rumoured to be looking forward to being a knight as long as he makes it to the New Year.
written by IN SEINE, 20 June 2009
Iranian Vote Counter in shock promotion!
One armed Ahmed Ahmed the official Persian Vote counter was today sensationally promoted in a low key ceremony in Tehran.
Ahmed said that he had no idea what he'd done to deserve such high praise.
written by Lightning Conductor, 20 June 2009
Emergency Banana is now back in position!
The Emergency Banana has now been located & Mr.Okabokaflongo would like to apologise to Mr.Ahmad, Mr.Okolo & Mr.Nick from Ghana for the abuse & violence caused during the dramatic loss of the Banana.
written by Lightning Conductor, 20 June 2009
The Most Amazing Sore Throat Pill Ever
A pharmaceutical scientist in New Zealand has just discovered a pill that can instantly take away sore throat pain. Unfortunately as of right now the pill is the size of a tangerine.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 June 2009
The White House Parking Lot
President Obama announces that in order to help generate some much needed revenue, he will have parking meters installed in the main White House parking lot.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 June 2009
Tuscaloosa's Annual Fire Prevention Week Parade
Tuscaloosa, Alabama has just cancelled their annual 'Fire Prevention Week' parade because three of the four floats somehow caught fire and burned up completely.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 June 2009
Tony Romo's Dyed-In-The-Blue-Wool Promise
Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo says that to prove that he is really serious about devoting himself to the team he has decided not to date Jessica Simpson during the football season.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 June 2009
The New York Yankees and The New York Mets Reach An Agreement
In a surprisng move The New York Yankees and the New York Mets have agreed to switch baseball stadiums. Spokespersons for both teams report that if you think about it, it really makes perfect sense.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 June 2009
Jack Nicholson Is Given Laker's Game Ball
The Los Angeles Lakers voted to give the NBA Finals game 5 game ball to Jack Nicholson in appreciation of his unwavering support. Jack takes the ball and puts it on eBay the very next day.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 June 2009
The Amazing Ten-Legged Formosan Frog
A biologist in Formosa has discovered a frog that has an amazing 10 legs. The biologist wants desperately to examine and study the frog, but he cannot catch it.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 June 2009
Sharon "Basic Instinct" Stone's Next "BI" Film
Sharon Stone who caused quite a stir in the 1992 film Basic Instinct with her open crotch scene is getting ready to star in Basic Instinct 5 - Yes, You See Cellulite
written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 June 2009
The Reasons Kathy Griffin Turned Down The Part of Ann Coulter
Kathy Griffin explained why she turned down the part of GOP maven Ann Coulter in the movie, Queen Ann of Coulter. Griffin said that she isn't tall enough, skinny enough, or stupid enough.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 June 2009
US Troops On The Run
The US commander if Afghanistan has announced that half his forces have a new strain of the GI Shits and are out of/yet into, action.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2009
No Comb Needed
Don King finally admits that every morning after taking a shower, the last thing he does before leaving the house is to wet his finger and stick it in a light socket!
written by Bureau, 20 June 2009
Hazardous To Health
The Republic of China has announced the recall of over 1,000 iron maidens after lead found in the iron.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2009
Drug Awareness Class
US High School students may be required to take a drug awareness class, although most say they are already aware of where they are available.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2009
Oh Mr. Schwarzenegger!
Economists predict that the state of California's economy has gone from the fifth largest in the world to the 50th largest in the US.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2009
Obam First Czar
President Barack Hussein Obama appoints himself as the first United Nation's Czar!
written by Bureau, 20 June 2009
Cher Stalker Arrested
Arrested stalker of Cher sent to jail for three weeks, ordered to see optometrist as soon as possible.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2009
Mel About Broke
Mel Gibson nearly broke after losing money to Bernie Madoff and investments in General Motors, claims his divorce lawyer.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2009
